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Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Warsaw Packed - A Parody piece written by Our Mozzer, Broken, Russell, R and Rat

*Shakespeare's Sister is playing in Morrissey's hotel suite on a 1980s cassette player as Morrissey thumbs through 'Autobiography', Mikey sips Twinings Ceylon and Martin 'Boz' Boorer slaps his thigh rhythmically with a fulsome grin*

Morrissey: "C***."

Boz: *shakes his head tutting loudly*

Morrissey: Is something the matter Boz?

Boz: No, sir. I was just voicing my disquiet at the behaviour of the person in your autobiography, sir. I was just-

Morrissey: -Which person?

Boz: That one you're reading about, sire. You know, sir, the one you just called a cu-

Morrissey: -You'll never guess what he's done now, Boz...

Mikey: *elegantly brings the white polygonal Bone China cup towards his lips but does not sip*

Boz: What's he done now to hurt you, sir? What's he done now to prove he has no credibility, sir? What's he done now to prove what a good for nothing plonker he is, sire?

Morrissey: He's made yet another mistake in his judgment. Yet another...

Boz: The c***...

Mikey: *sips his tea and smiles sadly*

Morrissey: Well that's what I said, Boz. A first rate c***. A senile QC. A pile of uneaten sandwiches. A dreary establishment yes-man. The only man in England who thinks Joyce was an equal partner in the Smiths. The only man in England who thinks the unending shrug of Joyce's court testimony represented a compelling case that Old Mozzer stole and pocketed his cash... The b******d is about as noble as a syphilitic c***.

Boz: *nods energetically*

Mikey: You use the present tense, but he's dead now, isn't he, Morr-ee-say?

Morrissey: Who?

Mikey: ... Judge Weeks, Morr-ee-say.

Morrissey: Oh that c***.

Mikey: ... He certainly lacked taste, siding with the drummer, proving what a philistine he is... uhmm... was-

Morrissey: -Abso-bloody-lutely!

Boz: I had no idea he was from the middle east, Mikey.

Mikey: Pardon, Boz?

Boz: The poor fellow.... no wonder he looked so angry.... his home bulldozed by tanks.... children used as human shields.... bombs exploding all the time... the poor.... *rubbing his nose with a handkerchief* .... the poor fellow....

Morrissey: There aren't many bombs exploding in Yeovil, Boz.

Mikey: As for homes being bulldozed, one can't even install UPVC in some of those houses..

Morrissey: *titters, juts out his jaw*

Boz: I had no idea Yeovil was in Palestine, Mozzer. I thought it was in Wales.

Morrissey: *giggles, slaps his cheek, rolls his eyes*

Mikey: I must say you're taking that awful heckling rather well, Morr-ee-say...

Boz: awful heckling, absolutely awful, Mikey. I almost kicked that man in the chin with my steel toe caps in Warsaw, Mikey. What that man said about Mozzer-

Morrissey: -It wasn't that man, Boz.

Boz: I know, sir. I didn't mean that man, I meant the other man...

Morrissey: *nods*

Boz:... When he made those remarks about you, sire... I almost walked straight over and headbutted him.... I thought about diving into the audience and aiming my forehead at his nose, sire... I was furious... I was fuming.... what an evil thing to say, sir, what a very nasty and cruel and really unkind and horrible thing to say... what a stupid c*** he was to say that about you, sir.... a man who's given so much.... to refer to your past like he did, sir.... well, it was....

Mikey: Unforgiveable...

Morrissey: Quite so, Mikey. To refer to one's past is a crime when one's present is so much more fascinating.

Mikey: Terribly chauvinistic....

Morrissey: *looks puzzled, smirks*

Mikey: You look amused, Morr-ee-say. Is it something I said.... or didn't say?

Morrissey: Tricks of the trade, old son: enigmatic otherness factor. Of course that old nonsense about chauvinism was just a smokescreen. The only thing worse than being talked about is....

Boz: ... is being fat! *grins fulsomely*

Morrissey: *licks his lips*

Boz: I didn't mean you, sir. You're not fat, sir. Never have been, never will be, and even in 2009 you weren't that fat, sir, you were just well built, big boned.... you were-

Morrissey: -shut up, Martin.

Mikey: *strokes the back of his head*

Morrissey: No, no, no. Tricks of the trade, Mikey, old friend. You see, what we implied about chauvinism wasn't the real reason I went off stage. I was actually annoyed when some c*** demanded a Smiths song, instead of one from one's latest masterpiece... that was the real human atrocity that night... I was disappointed in the extreme... rather like when all those chaps popped out to use the loos during that one from Years of Refusal that sounded a bit like.... Swallow On My Neck...

Boz: Black Cloud, sir...

Morrissey: Yes, Boz. And of course there was that tremendous documentary about punk on cable... I almost cancelled when I read the TV guide that morning... but I pushed myself to appear... yet when someone asked for a Smiths song, I was pushed over the edge by my own fans - and not for the first time. I realised quite how absurd it is to give oneself to one's fans... who incidentally give nothing whatsoever to me in return.... when frankly I'd rather be in the old Jacuzzi with a bottle of Bolly and John Lydon on the plasma screen....

Mikey: ... But what we heard said, on youtube, Morr-ee-say... isn't that why you refused to play on?

Morrissey: *laughs, shakes his head*

Boz: *shakes his head furiously and laughs loudly*

Morrissey: *laughs* ... Ah, that was old Walter Ego. Those cruel, cruel words were orchestrated by Old Mozzer. When I give him the sign, he shouts abuse at me in a range of different disguises.... it's the old false flag operation, Mikey. 9/11 all over again. Walter Ego shouts abuse at me.... and this gives a certain iconic star the perfect window of opportunity to storm off stage.... plenty of free music press inches.... enigmatic otherness factor by the bucket-load.... moral authority in tact... and no more missed punk documentaries and episodes of Twin Peaks on the Horror Channel... Besides it's so much easier than ordering one's bassist to pretend to have highly infectious necrotising swine flu, or adult respiratory distress syndrome.

Mikey: Ingenious.

Morrissey: Extraordinary, I think you meant to say, Mikey.

Boz: Fascinating...

Morrissey: Poor choice of words, there, Boz. I think you'll find it was extraordinary and mesmerizing but not at all fascinating.... from a certain angle, old son...

Rat: Classic!

*Morrissey is startled to hear another voice in the room. He looks at Rat and then quickly turns turns to Boz*

Morrissey: What on earth is that? And what is it doing in here?

Boz: I have no idea sire.

Morrissey: Then ask it.

*Boz turns to Rat*

Boz: Who the f*** are you, and what the f*** are you doing in here?

Rat: I'm Morrissey's biggest fan. I won a 'Meet and Greet' competition on True-To-You in 2004, but Morrissey has never been available.

Morrissey: Boz, tell the pitiful creature that he's missed the expiry date, and get the dreary s*d out of here NOW. 

*Boz grabs hold of Rat and drags him to the door*

Rat: *shouting back to Morrissey* Justin Bieber would NEVER treat his fans this way. You're past it.... I'm through with you. You don't give two figs about any of your fans...... I don't suppose you would sign my chest?

*Boz throws Rat out and sits back down*

Boz: How was the documentary, sir?

Morrissey: Oh... it was awful. I switched it off. I almost wished I'd played on.... at least I don't have to pay to watch my fans watching me... the c***s at the hotel added £6 to one's bill for the pleasure of watching that piffling and poorly produced slice of pop history. It's an insult, actually. Then of course there will be refunds to pay out .. it's turned into a very expensive documentary. I wonder if I could sue the b******ds for financial damages...?

Mikey: The documentary makers will probably have a team of legal eagles, Morr-ee-say. If they still exist.

Morrissey: No, old son... I meant I wonder if I can sue my own fans... after all their turpitude and constant references to one's previous employment with the Smiths has been such a huge source of emotional distress for one and one's current utterly mesmeric band, is it any wonder one keeps traipsing off stage instead of playing on?

Mikey: *smiles thinly*

Morrissey... Had the c***s been a little more interested, of course... old Mozzer might have stayed around a little longer... and this financial disaster could have been averted. Still, refunds for the fans really are the way to go.

Boz: Absolutely, sire. It shows you care about your fans' wellbeing and finances...

Morrissey: Quite so, Boz. And of course most of the Poles can barely afford to eat without UK benefits, much less phone up a very expensive hotline to demand a refund or otherwise travel via bus or tram to a local ticket office... yes.... refunds are definitely the way to go... brownie points at v. little cost... it's not as easy as it looks, you know, this fame game...

Mikey: *sips his tea, raises an eyebrow*

Morrissey: I wonder if I should pop a little surprise in the set-list. How about that one from one's latest masterpiece that sounds a bit like Swallow On My Neck?

Boz: *proudly* Black Cloud

Morrissey: Martin, that's one's last masterpiece. You dreary lump of... *tails off, deep in thought, looking pensive*

Boz: Earth is the Loneliest Planet!

Morrissey: Yes, yes, yes.

Mikey: Would that really be a surprise?

Morrissey: *laughs*

Boz: *laughs too*

Morrissey: London - I can't wait.

Boz: Sir, how many times have you played Lon-

Morrissey: -I'll show the b*****ds at London. Something will happen. Something will occur.

Mikey: Is it time, Morr-ee-say?

Morrissey: Yes, Mikey. It's time, old friend. It's time.

Original text can be found in the comments section here: