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Thursday, 27 August 2015

Day 1446 - A New dawn (A Parody)

The setting is the Twitterdilly Arms - the online (anti)social club that is home to Morrissey's Blue Rose Society.

GWO is serving behind the bar, and has two hardened drinkers, Boozy Kerry and MancLadMozfan, sat on bar stools opposite her. MancLad is sipping a vodka & cranberry, which has a cocktail umbrella poking out from it. He removes the umbrella, and uses the sharp wooden end to pick out a piece of peanut which is lodged between the only two teeth that remain on his top row. Boozy K has just been on a mine sweep of the bar, and has a pint glass full of a variety of drinks. She downs the contents in one, wipes her hand across her mouth, burps, and then quickly pulls her hair into an elastic band before throwing up all over MancLad's lap.

BOOZY K: (slurring) Soz about that. Let me clear it up.

Boozy K grabs a towelling mat from the bar, which has the word Guinness written on it, and starts to wipe the liquid vomit from MancLad's faded and dirty blue jeans.

MANC LAD: (slurring) Don't worry love, if anything that will improve my look.


A small group are sat at a table close to the jukebox. The group include Rat, Heather, EARS, Jaz, Moz Fiend, Marianne and comrade harps. They are all sat staring at their mobile (cell) phones.

MOZ FIEND: (staring at her phone) Morrissey's new novel sounds so exciting, and listen to what he has written on the Penguin website about it, "an American tale where, naturally, evil conquers good, and none live happily ever after, for the pangs of the empty experiences of flesh-and-blood human figures are the reason why nothing can ever be enough."

HEATHER: (staring at her phone) I like the first bit, "Beware the novelist... intimate and indiscreet... pompous, prophetic airs... here is the fact of fiction." I just can't wait for the release.

EARS: (staring at her phone) I like the last bit, "To read a book is to let a root sink down. List of the Lost is the reality of what is true battling against what is permitted to be true".  I love the use of the words, "let a root sink down".

COMRADE HARPS: (staring at phone) They've missed a comma.

HEATHER: Yes, I noticed that.

RAT: I didn't. Where have they missed one?

COMRADE HARPS: After the word true. It should read, "List of the Lost is the reality of what is true, comma, battling against what is permitted to be true." Otherwise it reads like "true battling".

RAT: Oh yeah, you're right.

JAZ: The cover picture of the runner-

MARIANNE: -Earl Young-

JAZ: -looks just like Moz, but with short hair. He must have stumbled across it online and decided it would be amusing to use it.

MARIANNE: I like it.



RAT: Hey, Jaz, have you seen that two new photos of your San Diego blue rose have been added to the BRS tumblr site?

JAZ: Really? No, I hadn't seen that. I'll look now.






Just then, the door of the Twitterdilly Arms opens, and in bursts a woman dressed all in orange, and sporting an orange wig. She is also wearing a blue rose. The woman looks exactly like Lil the Dancer from Twin Peaks - but in orange as opposed to red. It is Chuck aka Lucy the mechanical orange - self proclaimed fruit of the Blue Rose Society. She is attempting to pull the same face as Earl Young from the cover of List of the Lost.



Chuck walks over to the table where the small group are gathered, and addresses them.

CHUCK: Do you lot realise that you were supposed to hold the AGM of the BRS on June 21st?

The group stare blankly.

CHUCK: For Christ's sake, I'm not even in your silly gang, but I seem to know more about what goes on around here than any of you! Do none of you remember Rat's BRS AGM parody from last year? It was stated at the end of the piece by your Chairman, Loughton Lil, that the next AGM would be held on June 21st 2015. No doubt Rat was too busy fiddling with his wicket and balls to remember to write it.

RAT: I'm not the chairman, it's up to him to make arrangements for the AGM.

HEATHER: To be fair, Lil hasn't been around much in recent months, and if I'm honest, I'd completely forgotten you'd written that piece, Rats.

RAT: Yes, I noticed you'd not commented on it. In fact, apart from a few anonymous comments, hardly anyone commented on it. It makes me wonder why I bother writing my amusing parodies.

MOZ FIEND: You haven't written one of your parodies for ages, Rat.

RAT: And you wonder why? When nobody bothers commenting, it destroys the soul. Us writers need to know we are appreciated. I could understand if my parodies were dreary, like Bitter Bobby Neville's, the pessoa blogger, but they are a work of art.
(Turns to Chuck) You must know how I feel, the parody you published on your blog thing yesterday was really good, with the obvious exception of your ridiculous conclusion, and yet only three people have commented. Mind you, it didn't help that it only remained as the front page story for an hour and a half, before that boozy bint over there (looks towards Boozy Kerry, who is now laying on her back on the floor, laughing to herself for no apparent reason) replaced it with a groundbreaking piece about how the cover of Morrissey's new book is orange.

CHUCK: Well, unlike you, I don't need a load of brown nosers heaping false praise on me. Three comments is just fine; at least they are sincere. No one thinks your parodies are funny, the only reason you ever get any comments at all is because your little band of followers are all too scared to upset you, and on that point, that is why I am here. (Addressing the whole pub) I have come to take over the running of the Blue Rose Society.

RAT: You can't just take it over, you haven't even taken a rose to a concert yet.



CHUCK: That's your problem, Rat, you are the one who is always making up the rules. Who says you have to take a rose to a concert to be a member of the BRS? You keep trying to claim that the BRS is not your club, and yet it is always you making the rules. If it is Morrissey's Society, as you always state, then let him make the rules.

RAT: It WAS Our Mozzer who made the rule, you stupid orange! It was he who asked us to bring roses to his concerts. How many times must I state this? How can the BRS possibly work if nobody takes roses to concerts?

The orange Chuck goes quiet for a moment or two as she collects her thoughts, and then suddenly springs back into life.

CHUCK: The Blue Rose Society could have been huge by now, and concert halls could have been awash with roses, but Rat, because of your bullying and dictating, you've kept people away. The World of Morrissey blog is a revolution. I believe that if you weren't involved with the BRS, we could make it grow.

EARS: I don't want Rat to leave.

HEATHER: Nor me.

CHUCK: Your loyalty is commendable, but you must see that all the hatred towards the BRS, and all the negativity, is because of Rat. The group we have at TWoM is growing, and as long as Rat isn't involved, we can spread the message of the BRS, and one day soon, concert halls really will be full of beautiful blue roses.

The room goes quiet. Nobody speaks for a few minutes, until Rat stands up and addresses the room.

RAT: Chuck is of course right. The BRS has been successful in the US, but in Europe it has failed to take off, and for it to happen, I need to bow out. I call on Chuck and her friends to take over the running of the BRS for the upcoming European concerts, and let's see if they can spread the word. I meanwhile, will continue to wait for that promised MorrisseysWorld parody.


Just then, the toilet door opens, and out walks Manc Lad.

MANC LAD: I'd give it five minutes if I were you.