Following the Mozziah Day 108 Saturday 31st December 2011

So many people feel the need to do reviews on the last day of the year, it is such a cliche. Well grab the phone and get dialing because here's mine. The problem is, I can't remember a thing that happened before September, I vaguely remember enjoying a fantastic cricket season but Simon Hughes's half read autobiography next to my bed bears reference to the fact that I have done nothing else with my life since mid September, other than devote it totally to The Mozziah and his World. I suppose most people will remember 2011 for the continued worldwide recession and in the UK, the riots. And where was I as London burned? In London of course, but not on the streets trying to reason with the feral youth of today that such anarchy is not the way ahead, oh no, I was in the finest theatre in the world, The Palladium, observing David Walliams in the Royal box, Chrissie Hynde slouching in the opposite box, and in between the pair of them, on a stage fit for a, eh, Mozziah, was, The Mozziah, beckoning us all to 'Come Back To Camden' and informing us that 'Everyday Is Like Sunday'. Before I continue with my review of 2011, I have decided to list my Top 10 'Proudest(?)' Concerts, with the highlight in brackets:
1. The Mozziah - London Palladium - Aug 8th 2011 (Come Back To Camden)
2. The Mozziah - Gt Yarmouth Pier - May 15th 2009 (Leg Touch & How Soon Is Now)
3. The Mozziah - London Roundhouse - Jan 23rd 2008 (Death Of A Disco Dancer)
4. The Mozziah - Portsmouth Guildhall - May 19th 2006 (Trouble Loves Me)
5. The Mozziah - London Earls Court - Dec 18th 2004 (November Spawned A Monster)
6. The Mozziah - London Albert Hall - Sept 18th 2002 (Everyday Is Like Sunday)
7. The Mozziah - London Forum - Nov 14th 1999 (Trouble Loves Me)
8. The Mozziah - Portsmouth Guildhall - Feb 13th 1995 (National Front Disco)
9. The Mozziah - London Alexandra Palace - Dec 19th 1992 (I Know It's Gonna Happen Someday & Fairytale Of New York)
10. The Smiths - Portsmouth Guildhall - March 3rd 1985 (Reel Around The Fountain)

 So, putting aside the first irrelevant months of the year, let me concentrate on the last three months, in which I have sort of made friends with The Mozziah himself, struck up a bizarre relationship with Rustle Brand and stumbled across two dozen wonderful Mozziah worshippers in a make belief land called Twitterdilly. *Pinches himself* 'Ouch'. These people(?) feel like true and proper friends and I do believe I will probably meet many of them in the not too distant future, although maybe it isn't necessary to actually meet, maybe this is enough, the beauty with Twitterdilly is that there is absolutely no prejudices of any kind. Things such as money, possessions, race, sex, age, are all totally and utterly irrelevant and a physical meeting could spoil the image, in the same way that a film never lives up to a book. Twitterdilly is my book, I pick it up, put it down and paint pictures of the people, I have images of every single one of the Twitterdillians and I don't want those images shattered, yes, perhaps Twitterdilly is all we need, we'll see, it needs more thought. Having said that, I would like to meet Rusty Buck, despite his fame, I don't know an awful lot about him, he is just another Twitterdillian but I felt a connection. He, like me, says and does whatever comes into his head, regardless of the consequences, and embarrassment is not a word in our vocabularies. I haven't yet read his Bookety Wooketys, so I don't know any more, other than he loves The Mozziah, and that is a great basis for a friendship. I did take a quick look at the email exchanges with The Mozziah in Bookety 2 and also noticed a section about him bedding Kate Moss. I've met Kate, she's lovely, but our relationship didn't go as far as Rustle's, in fact I just shared some pleasantries with both her and Pete Doherty, who I also found to be a really lovely guy. I have a nice photo of the three of us. I also glanced at the bit in Rustle's book about him, Walliams, Ross and Baddiel at the Roundhouse when The Mozziah was taken ill, thank God I'd been at the performance two nights before. I have also met Baddiel, at the Sony Radio awards a number of years ago when I picked up a Gold Sony award. Oh, have I not mentioned the Gold Sony award before? it must have slipped my mind. I can't take full credit for it, in fact there were five of us responsible for that award, but we laughed and laughed at the stuff we got up to on air, my personal highlight being a trip down our local high street in the Bat Mobile with me dressed as Robin, shouting to the shoppers, 'I'm Robin, I'm wearing tights and I'm gay', all live on air! Happy days, but as that didn't happen this year and I am supposed to be reviewing 2011, it is irrelevant. I told you I was similar to Rustle, now where was I? Oh yes, Rustle. Just sharing silly tweets with him in Twitterdilly has been an absolute pleasure but I would like to meet him, or more to the point, I'd like to write with him but I'm not deluded and anyway, he's got a lot on his plate at present, I have just read this morning that he is filing for divorce, which is really sad, but did she know that 'Stretch Out And Wait' is his favourite Smiths song and does she know his favourite line from 'Trouble Loves Me'? Actually, that's a bit unfair, my wife wouldn't have a clue about my favourite Smiths song or my favourite line from 'Trouble', sorry, have I never mentioned my wife?, lovely girl but unfortunately an 'Un believer'. I've tried, God how I've tried, but if it isn't there, it isn't there. She liked the John Lewis ad though so maybe I'm breaking through. Next question, am I ready to meet The Mozziah? No. I thought I was and I know I wouldn't lick his face now or say something stupid but I'd like our first meeting to be fuelled with desire, where we just look in to each other's eyes, rip each other's clothes off and have full blown, gay sex. There are two draw backs to this, well three if you bring my wife into the equation; 1) I have never had gay sex and wouldn't have a clue what I was doing and 2) the likely hood is, that our first meeting would be in a public place, so although the laws on homosexuality have been greatly relaxed since Wilde's time, I fear our act of Gross Public Indecency would result in us being carted off to gaol, which I suppose would allow us to continue our gay sex at Her Majesty's Pleasure but it isn't exactly romantic. When I say Her Majesty's pleasure, I am referring to The Queen, not the Mozziah, although what pleasure The Queen could possibly get from watching two middle aged men having gay sex in one of her draughty old houses, I really don't know, having said that, she's probably witnessed Prince Charles.......no, it's not worth going there, he'll probably be King one day and have me tracked down and hung from Tower Bridge for treason. Anyway, knowing my luck I wouldn't get to share a cell with The Mozziah anyway, I'd probably get some evil rapist from Tooting, and before you start stereotyping my rapist, he isn't black, he's white, and no he's not covered in tattoos, but yes he did work for Unigate for twenty three years and yes he has got gelled back hair. His name is Kevin and he's been treating me well since I arrived here. Christ, how does this happen in my head? This was supposed to be a straight forward review of the year and it's turned into some bizarre love triangle between me, The Mozziah, my own personal rapist called Kevin and Prince Charles. I think I'd better produce my Top 10 songs of the year, I have decided the best way to do this is to see what songs have been played the most on my ipod.
My Top 10 Most Played Songs, and therefore My Favourites of 2011:

1. Trouble Loves Me - Morrissey

2. Come Back To Camden - Morrissey

3. Teenage Dad On His Estate - Morrissey

4. Death Of A Disco Dancer - Morrissey & The Smiths (3 different versions)

5. Life Is A Pigsty - Morrissey

6. I'm OK By Myself - Morrissey

7. Everyday Is Like Sunday - Morrissey

8. November Spawned A Monster - Morrissey

9. Friday Mourning - Morrissey

10. Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me - The Smiths

As this list is a bit one sided, I have produced a separate Top 10 of Non Mozziah songs.

MY Top 10 Songs Not By The Mozziah 2011:

1. To Sir, With Love - Lulu

2. Identity - X-Ray Spex

3. When You're Young - The Jam

4. I Love How You Love Me - The Paris Sisters

5. That's Life - Frank Sinatra

6. Nothing Rhymed - Gilbert O'Sullivan

7. Is That All There Is - Peggy Lee

8. Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) - Nancy Sinatra

9. King Creole - Elvis Presley

10. Night Boat To Cairo - Madness

None of them were actually released in 2011, I couldn't think of any song released in 2011 that I really, really liked. My favourite new, unreleased song of 2011 is 'People Are The Same Everywhere' by Morrissey.

I won't bother reviewing the rest of the year, if you are remotely interested, go back and read the whole of my blog, some of it is slightly funny, some is tragic, but most of it is utter bewilderment. I still can't believe I visit Twitterdilly every day, but I'm glad I do, it has been an unbelievable last three months, three months in which I have; read Oscar Wilde for the first time in my life, and loved it, tried to fathom out what MorrisseysWorld is all about, and failed miserably, met (sort of) some lovely people and finally, yesterday, from nowhere, I was directed to something by a Twitterdillian who I have only ever mentioned once before in my blog, to read Dante's 'La Vita Nuova'. I would never in a million years have read such a thing as this if I hadn't stumbled through the wardrobe doors into Twitterdilly, and it is beautiful, beautiful and tragic. As I read it I couldn't stop thinking of 'There Is A Light That Never Goes Out' and last night as I lay in bed, it also made me think of 'Dear God Please Help Me'. Anybody who enjoys the words of The Mozziah will love 'La Vita Nuova', he is OUR Beatrice, and I have adapted a poem from it about The Mozziah. It's all very well him saying, 'the words you use should be your own', but he borrows and so have I:

In his eyes, my Mozziah bears love

by which he makes noble what he gazes on:

where he passes, all men turn their look on him,

and he makes the heart tremble in those he greets,

so that, all pale, they lower their eyes,

and sigh, then, over all their failings:

anger and pride fleeing before him.

Help me, ladies, to do him honour

All sweetness, all humble thought

are born in the heart of those who hear him sing,

and he who first saw him is blessed.

How he looks when he smiles a little,

can not be spoken of or held in mind,

he is so rare and gentle.

(Adapted from 'In her eyes, my lady bears Love' from La Vita Nuova by Dante)

Happy New Year, hold tight, it might get bumpy, and remember, Trouble Loves Me.

Following the Mozziah Day 107 Friday 30th December 2011

To anyone in Samoa reading this, please go away as December 30th 2011 has been cancelled. I'm not joking, if you haven't heard the news, go and google it, no not you Samoan's, you all ready know, I'm now talking to all non Samoan's. The Samoan's have cancelled today and moved on to tomorrow, and we complain at The Mozziah cancelling concerts, that's light weight compared to cancelling whole days! Anyway, enough of The Samoan's and their lost day, I have far more important issues to worry about, namely MorrisseysWorld. Here I am, three and a half months on since my discovery and if truth be known, I still haven't got a clue who's behind it and who isn't. I have always presumed '@Banjaxer' was admin guy, but I now have to question that. Yesterday he tweeted that Morrissey & Marr were to reunite in 2012. Why would he write that if he was The Mozziah's admin guy? '@Morrisseysmum' later tweeted to Banjaxer saying, 'I see you've opened the thirty year archive.' Banj then replied, 'I'm in the exclusives business...you know how it works.' And then, the original tweet by Banj was removed! WHAT IS GOING ON? WHAT IS THEIR RELATIONSHIP? '@Banjaxer' has also taken away his barriers and has revealed himself as Kevin Marrinan, a freelance journalist from Manchester. He can't be admin guy, he just can't be. Why would he release about Morrissey & Marr? I just don't get it, and I HATE not getting it! So is it true, are they reuniting? Actually, before we look at that question, the word 'unite' has reminded me that my Smiths comic book turned up yesterday from America. It's called 'Unite & Take Over' and is a compilation of comic stories inspired by songs of The Smiths. I was intrigued by the idea so I ordered the book but to my horror, and I'm sure to the horror of The Mozziah, the book is dedicated to 'Stephen, Johnny, Andy & Mike'. 'STE'PH'EN', not STE'V'EN! What a schoolboy error and what is more, what influence did Mike & Andy have to the stories, and Johnny in fact? It's the 'lyrics' that have inspired the stories, not the bass line, the drum beat or the wacka wackas! Right, where was I? Oh yes, I've given up on trying to decided who runs MW and I've moved on to a possible reunion. The Mozziah denies it, denies it and denies it time after time but we know that he and Johnny met up last January because 'Mum' tweeted it. Well, I say we 'know' but God only knows what is true and what isn't around here. If it is true and they are to play again together, it would make far more sense than a full blown Smiths reunion with the lawn mower parts, Joyce & Rourke, Judge Weeks' words, not mine. I now have this image jumping in to my head of Judge Weeks having his lawn mown my Joyce & Rourke with Rourke holding Joyce's legs, like in a wheel barrow race, while Joyce cuts the good Judge's grass with his teeth. The Judge meanwhile is sat  watching in his deck chair, drinking Pimms and shouting, 'You owe me Joyce, you owe me'. Why are Judge's referred to as 'Good' Judges? Weeks's judgement that December day was anything but good, well I suppose it was good for Joyce. Sorry, am I losing you? It's not easy living with my mind you know, it wanders. Where was I? Oh yes, I can definitely imagine a gentle Mozziah & Marr collaboration without  the crass fanfare and fuss like The Stone Roses have gone for. But if it IS true, why has The Mozziah been blocked by Marr on twotter with his MW account? Could it be that The Mozziah has indeed met up again with Marr but hasn't made any mention of MW? Quite possibly knowing our Mozziah, at the end of the day, I would guess he has planned to NEVER admit to anybody that he is behind MW and will continue to blame it all on coincidences. I have another thought entering my head, perhaps the investigative journalist Kevin Marrinan, found out The Mozziah was behind MorrisseysWorld and his silence was bought with a free trip to the USA to watch the concerts. Perhaps when The Mozziah pointed us all in the direction of '@Banjaxer' saying, 'He knows, you know', it was just his little game. '@Banjaxer' definitely ISN'T in the know, as a few weeks ago he speculated about a full Smiths reunion and was wrong. And if Banj isn't admin guy, what of his mate '@Uncleskinny' who is a SO-Low moderator? Is he aware that The Mozziah is behind MW? and if so, why hasn't he exposed him? Skinny 'follows' Mum but NOT MW and why did he block me? What is it all about? And what was Brand's roll? Buck seems to have disappeared for good and yet the account hasn't been released. Is he now '@caterita2008', the Italian wife and mother? Is he '@JodyRoad', yet another person who has turned up in Twitterdilly out of nowhere and is following the whole gang? My head is spinning, something is squeezing my skull and where are those bloody 'Tour Journals' we were promised. God, I wish I hadn't got out of bed today, in fact, I've got a better idea, I'm moving to Samoa and therefore none of this has just happened!

Following the Mozziah Day 106 Thursday 29th December 2011

(The scene is The Mozziah's bedroom in his Mum's two up, two down. It is Christmas Eve 2011)

There is a 1960's Dansette record player (with lift up lid and three legs) in the corner of the room and the elpee 'Years of Refusal' is blasting out with The Mozziah dancing around the room, singing along in full voice with his special 'Quiff' hairbrush as a microphone, he is 'mock' mic whipping. Laying on the bed in just a pair of Pink Panther boxer shorts is Boz Boorer, he is typing away on a lap top and not paying any attention to The Mozziah.

MOZ: (singing and looking at a poster of Johnny Marr on his bedroom wall. It should be noted, the Marr poster has had a comedy moustache drawn on it. It should also be noted that the comedy moustache was drawn on by Boz some years ago.) (singing, in case you'd forgotten after all those notes about Marr) Now this might surprise you but I find I'm Ok by myself and I don't need YOU (points at poster).
(The Mozziah carries on singing and dancing and moves behind Boz so that Boz can't see him)

MOZ: (singing to Boz's back while doing a two fingered 'V' sign at him): Now this might disturb you but I find I'm ok by myself and I don't need YOU. (Smirks to himself at his childish joke, just as Boz turns around).
BOZ: What are you doing?
MOZ: Oh nothing, I tell you what Boz, this album's bloody good you know?
BOZ: Yeah, I know.
MOZ: I think it's my best yet.
BOZ: You always say that about the last one.
MOZ: Well, in recent times yes, you weren't there for Kill Uncle though were you? In fact, let's do a top ten of my proudest achievements. Stop what you're doing and write these down.
BOZ: I thought you wanted these Parody Tour Journals ready for tomorrow? I haven't finished typing them up yet, and what does this say? (Boz passes Moz his diary back)
MOZ: Villareal, he was the barber who wanted to sell my hair, remember? Hold on, that was about day two of the tour, how much have you actually typed up?
BOZ: It's your writing Moz, I can't make out was it says half the time, I wish you'd stick to the non joined up stuff.
MOZ: Christ, well we aren't going to get the journals written up in time for tomorrow then are we, you're  gonna have to work through the night.
BOZ: But it's Christmas day in a minute.
MOZ: I'm sure Santa won't forget you, what have you asked for this year?
BOZ: A guitar.
MOZ: What a surprise, what is it with you guitarists and guitars, surely you only need one? It's ridiculous.
BOZ: So what do you want me to do now then, the journals or your top ten list?
MOZ: Neither, I've got another idea, let's hack Bieber's twitter account.
BOZ: I can't keep up Moz, you flit from one thing to another.
MOZ: That's because I'm a genius Boz, I have an active genius's mind, it can't keep still.
BOZ: And this active, genius's mind wants to hack Justin Bieber's twitter account does it?
MOZ: You're right, too obvious, let's hack Hannah Montana's.
BOZ: I think you'll find her real name is Miley Cyrus.
MOZ: No, that's somebody different.
BOZ: They're the same person.
MOZ: Really? I never knew that, it's not just me with all these multi personalities on twitter then?
BOZ: No, no, no, I mean they are the same person in real life.
MOZ: Multi personalities in real life? Fucking hell, I love it, how does she do that? Bloody genius.
BOZ: *tuts* Come on then, can we hurry up with this so that I can get on with the journals, top ten and anything else you may want me to do?
MOZ: I don't like your tone tonight Boz, don't ever start thinking this is an even relationship, I know I've allowed you to hang off my coat tails for twenty odd years but it's NOT a friendship Martin, I pay your wages, don't forget that Martin, I pay your wages. Friends don't take money. (Pauses and thinks) Having said all that Mart, er, I mean Boz, I do get quite lonely sometimes, it's not easy being me, I really wish I had a friend. I see all the rest of you hanging with your mates and I get really jealous. I know sometimes you invite me out when you go to bars and that, but I know you only ask because you feel you should.
BOZ: That's not true Moz, we all love your company, your the funniest man we know.
MOZ: Do you see me as a friend then Boz?
BOZ: Yes, God, of course I do, I've always wanted to get close enough to you to be your friend, I don't want you to just see me as your musical director, I want to tell people that we're real friends.
MOZ: Okay Boz, I'm going to make you my official friend, it will mean of course that I can't pay you anymore, that would be vulgar and crass and you just wouldn't feel comfortable with it. Right, let's get on with this twitter thing and then you can get on with the journals and top ten while I go down and keep mum company.
BOZ: And just how do you plan to hack into Miley Cyrus's twitter account anyway?
MOZ: Us genius's think differently to everybody else Boz, it's obvious to me what her password will be, it will be the least likely password you would ever expect, thus making it the most obvious, type in HannahMontana.
BOZ: You must be joking, not a chance. (Boz types in HannahMontana) Fucking hell, I'm in, you're a bleeding genius.
MOZ: Tell me something I don't know Martin, tell me something I don't know.
BOZ: Now what?
MOZ: Let's change her bio to some of my lyrics, like all my other disciples do on twitter. Type 'I am human and I need to be loved'. It's genius on many levels because she's not human is she? she's the pretend one.
BOZ: No, that's Hannah Montana, Miley's the real one.
MOZ: (Makes a 'W' shape with his two thumbs and index fingers, his right index finger incidentally is dressed in pink finger lingerie) Whatever!
BOZ: Do we have to use lyrics by 'THAT' band? Can't we use lyrics from one our OUR songs? How about Come Back To Camden? We could put, 'Then you lounged with knees up and apart'.
MOZ: Right, firstly, the band are called THE SMITHS Boz, The Smiths! You don't need to be scared to say the name anymore, it's over, I've moved on, so if it doesn't bother me, it shouldn't bother you. Secondly Boz, it is NOT 'OUR' song, it is 'MY' song, the only reason I gave you royalty credits was because you came up with the idea of using a piano, I don't think you even played on it, and thirdly, how can we put about Hannah Montana's knees parting? She's got an image to protect. Sometimes you just don't think do you? I'm getting bored now, I'm going down to watch telly with mum. Get on and change Cyrus's bio, then send a tweet saying it's her favourite song, make sure you mention it's by The Smiths, don't put my name though, then when you've done that, write up my ten proudest achievements and put it on True To You, the access password is in my bedside drawer and when you've done that, get those bloody journals done, you've got until Thursday.
MUM: (Shouting from downstairs) Steven, are you coming down to sit with me? And can you tell Martin his skirt and blouse are dry and I've ironed them for him.

Following the Mozziah Day 105 Wednesday 28th December 2011

THERAPY

THERAPIST ME (TP): Well, well, well, I didn't expect to see you here this morning, I thought you were going to write the comedy piece about The Mozziah and his Mum having Christmas together.
ME: Yes, I was and there were some great moments in that, especially when mum gives him a Smiths album because she vaguely remembered that he used to like them.
TP: So why are you here then?
ME: You tell me, you're the therapist.
TP: Well get on the couch then and I'll get the clipboard out and sit in the chair. Can I be a woman?
ME: WHAT?
TP: I've just got this vision in my head that the therapist is a woman.
ME: No, are we taking this seriously or not? I'll tell you what, I'll be the therapist and you be me, give me the clipboard.
TP(New One): Right that's better, let's start, let's talk about your dad.
ME: My dad? Where did that come from? Oh I see, you think my Morrissey obsession has got something to do with me not having a father figure?
TP: Well he did die three weeks after your eleventh birthday, it must have had some effect on you?
ME: Not that I'm aware of, I suppose it left me feeling let down but if anything it taught me to rely on nobody and fend for myself. If you think Morrissey is a father figure you're barking not only up the wrong tree but you're in the wrong woods.
TP: Okay, what about the death of your brother?
ME: This is ridiculous, I was thirty three when he died and we weren't even close. Morrissey certainly isn't a big brother figure and anyway, he was in my life way before my brother died.
TP: 'In your life' you say? That's interesting, he's not 'In your life' though is he, you've never met him?
ME: I've touched his left knee.
TP: And how was that?
ME: *laughing* What do you want me to say, I touched his knee and felt a real connection? The liason lasted a brief second, The Mozziah didn't even notice and I was carted off stage and flung through a fire exit, thus missing 'Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others'.
TP: That's interesting that you mention that song in particular, you missed other ones too, so why menton that one?
ME: No other reason than I love that version where he starts off by saying, 'You have incredibly good taste'. I love the rawness of that recording. I love all his recordings.
TP: Now we're getting somewhere, do you love him?
ME: What do you mean?
TP: Are you in love with him?
ME: This is ridiculous, I can't even believe I'm even typing this.
TP: There's always a delete button at the end, nobody's forcing you to publish this so let's keep going and just see where it goes. Describe your true and honest feelings for Morrissey.
ME: My overriding feeling is one of protection. I feel this absolute burning need to protect him.
TP: Why are you crying?
ME: I don't know yet but it's making it hard to see the letters on the keypad.
TP: Go on, why protection, you don't know anything about him?
ME: I just can't help thinking about people like Kenneth Williams, Charles Hawtrey, Tony Hancock, Sid James.
TP: You're just listing comedians.
ME: Shut up, Oscar Wilde, Peter Cook, Benny Hill, I could go on and on, these names are just flowing out of me.
TP: What about them?
ME: I think they were all unbelievable talents and they were all lonely, I don't want Morrissey to be lonely, I owe him everything.
TP: YOU'VE NEVER MET HIM! You don't know him, he's not one of your friends, you don't owe him anything.
ME: I can't help feeling that all those people I listed a minute ago and many, many more were never told, not REALLY told what they meant to their audience. I know Morrissey knows his audience love him because he sees it in their faces but those who meet him would never have an opportunity to really, really explain how they felt and what he brings to them, they would get tongue tied or act like that screaming Mexican woman on Youtube.
TP: Perhaps the like of the screaming Mexican woman is all he needs, he has said so himself that the recent Mexican audiences were unbelievable.
ME: I know, but I feel I want to give him more. If I were sixteen, I would be writing him fan mail telling him how much he means to me but because I'm in my mid forties....
TP: I think you'll find it's late forties now.
ME: Cunt, where was I? Oh yeah, because I'm in my forties, it isn't the 'done' thing to write and tell your fifty two year old hero how much he's done for you.
TP: Go on then, you know he reads this, tell him. Oh, here we go, more tears.
ME: No, I don't need to spill it out what he's done for me, I've spent the last three months doing that, I need to ask if there is anything I can do for him? You're right in what you say, I don't know him and hopefully he is surrounded by very, very close friends who he can discuss his inner most thoughts with, air his insecurities, bounce ideas off and talk about the things that scare him. Most genius's worry that it'll all dry up or the audience will go away, they bottle everything up and live in constant fear.
TP: And you think this is happening to Morrissey?
ME: I have no idea and that's what worries me. The likes of Kenneth Williams shunned the outside world and regretted it, I would hate it if I were to read his diaries one day and find that he'd done the same. Can you imagine if it were announced tomorrow that he'd died and it then transpired he'd died lonely and had never found love?
TP: So you want to love him?
ME: I already do love him, loads of us love him but is that enough?
TP: Do you fancy him?
ME: Where did that come from?
TP: Well? Don't worry, you've got a delete button, just let it out.
ME: Well I'm not gay.
TP: I'll be the judge of that, carry on.
ME: Well, I find him a very attractive man yes, in the same way I look at Elvis and think he's attractive.
TP: Would you sleep with him?
ME: This is ridiculous, why am I even typing this?
TP: Does the question make you feel uncomfortable?
ME: I suppose it's a bizarre feeling I have towards him, I remember reading a great quote once from a builder in Norwich who said something along the lines of, 'I Love Morrissey and I'd sleep with him if he asked me to and I'm not even gay.' He then continued, 'Oh don't worry about my girlfriend, she knows'.
TP: So what are you saying?
ME: Well I think it goes back to the protection thing, for some unexplainable reason, Morrissey has made himself appear so vulnerable through his lyrics and his public persona, that his whole male audience feel this un-describable feeling towards him, but yes, there is some sort of homo erotica about it, but I'm not the builder from Norwich, I'd want wooing first.
TP: That's a joke isn't it?
ME: Who knows? I've no idea and anyway it's all irrelevant, I feel I'm coming towards the end of this therapy session but it's been very useful, it's not me I'm worried about, it's him. I've got a sixth sense feeling that he's hit a crossroads and he doesn't know where he's going. I think he's feeling as though he may have reached the end of his recording career. I'm worried that he's made a Top 10 list on True To You of his 'Proudest Achievements'. Now, if he'd written 'Proudest Achievements to Date' I wouldn't be so concerned but he hasn't.
TP: Are we talking about Morrissey or the builder from Norwich?
ME: Always the funny man aren't you? I?
TP: You want him to contact you don't you?
ME: All the way through this 'Following' thingy, I have never once sent him a private message through twitter, I've not craved personal contact. We all look up to him because he is our God and therefore we have this slight fear of him and we also believe he's in full control, but I'm a great believer in fate and I think this whole thing has happened for a purpose. I would only want him to contact me if he needed to. I'd really like every single person reading this to write a comment underneath, telling him what he means to them and how much they love him. I don't think it's me he needs, that would just be my ego thinking I had some sort of special connection. I think what he 'actually' needs is US. He needs to hear from US, and from my personal view, I'm particularly interested to read the women's thoughts toward him, because until I came to Twitterdilly, I'd always considered his audience to be a male one, his lyrics seem to sing particularly to men but I'm obviously wrong. It isn't all about homoerotic meatheads but having said that, I'm fascinated to hear if other men feel the way I do, but most importantly of all, I'd like to offer people an opportunity to really poor their hearts out to him, tell him everything. I am confident that he will read every last one of them and remember this, if he died tomorrow, we would all meet outside his house, crying and lighting candles and we would tell each other how much we loved him, but we would have missed the opportunity to tell HIM, you now have that chance, so take it, while he's alive, while he's still in his prime and while you have his attention, this is an opportunity not to be wasted, it is for both you and him. Let it flood out, he needs you and we owe him, we owe him everything!
TP: What about those who still question if MW is in fact the REAL Morrissey?
ME: Then I will point them to his tweet of 26th Dec where he said, 'I believe Years of Refusal may come to be seen as my masterpiece when the Light finally Goes Out.' A day later on True To You, he listed Years of Refusal as his proudest achievement. A coincidence? Not this time. Please write.
TP: So, do you want to delete this or publish it?
ME: You don't need to ask me that.

Following the Mozziah Day 104 Tuesday 27th December 2011

My blog today was going to be a really honest and open self therapy session, not only about my Mozziah addiction but also about my past, my present and my inner most secrets, but perhaps it is just as well that events have transpired to stop that topic. I sometimes forget that people actually read this thing, and I was going to reveal things that maybe I shouldn't air in public. Having said that, I don't actually 'know' any of the people who read this thing (I'm pretty confident that nobody I know in real life has found it) so I could've just typed away to my heart's content and got it all off my chest. Maybe another day. Anyway, as I said, I WAS going to blog about my self therapy, but just before I started writing, I decided to look and see if those bloody 'Tour Journals' had been posted, and what did I find? This:

MONDAY, 26 DECEMBER 2011

our 100% fake Mozzer apologises for the delay in publishing his Tour Journal

However, he has assured me it will be ready for day 106 ofhttp://www.followingthemozziah.blogspot.com

Our Mozzer today entered twitter, posting a few classic witticisms; he also appeared to indicate that whether this blog continues will be decided by a poll and that most of you will not want it to continue when you find out who he is.

Our Mozzer was in fine fettle in twitter, lashing out at Prince Philip, and responding to tweets about his reputation with the following:

Unlike a good reputation, a bad one never disappoints.

A reputation is what emerges when those too dim to understand discuss someone too intelligent to care.

He also managed to lash out at the royalist sector of England:

The only thing in England dimmer than the royal family is that minority of people who actually support them.

Admin Guy

A stark reminder, if ever I needed one, that my own blog is exposed to many more people than I think, but more importantly, the tour journals are to be posted in two days time! A last, a fix! And what's more, proof, once and for all, that the author is indeed The Mozziah. Things will be revealed that only The Mozziah could possibly know and then of course the masses will finally believe and flock to MW, at last believing it to be true. If MW is reopened in full, the masses will maul over everything that has happened so far, including this ridiculous blog of mine, thank God I didn't do my therapy session today, having said that, I could always have passed my revelations off as being a parody, which is exactly what The Mozziah has been doing with his blog for the past two years. It's amazing what you can say, which may or may not be interpreted as the truth or a parody, I now fully understand why The Mozziah started his blog. Even now, after everything we've all been through in the past three or four months, some of the Twitterdilly loyalists are denying that it is really The Mozziah behind the blog. Three of them yesterday tweeted to say they didn't believe it to be him but had enjoyed it anyway. Mancladmozfan even accused me of being behind the blog, I'm flattered but Manc gets mixed up about many things. The Mozziah was also back on twotter yesterday and tweeted:

 MorrisseysWorld Morrissey 

I have followed followingthemozziah.blogspot.com closely: it was my umbilical cord to Twitterdilly.


As soon as @MW disappeared for the night from twotter & Twitterdilly, @Morrisseysmum appeared, firstly telling @MW to 'stop' and then tweeting:

MorrisseysMum A N Other 

People making fools of themselves believing myths. It's the time of year for it. #christmas #morrisseysworld

He continues to play a dual role of both 'The Mozziah' and 'The Anti Mozziah' whilst in his Mother's dress. Interestingly as 'Mum', he also announced that he was travelling North in the morning and then Salford in a couple of days, it would appear to do some filming, filming for what, he didn't say. Finally for today, another quote from Twitterdilly. Despite The Mozziah's loathing for the likes of Bieber and all the modern, meaningless pop tripe, he may take some pleasure to see that Miley Cyrus, (aka Hannah Montana, a modern day manufactured Disney made pop star with over 4 million twotter followers) changed her Twitter profile wording on Christmas Eve to, 'I am human and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does.' It would appear that The Mozziah's influence and talent are not being entirely missed by the youth of today after all! There is hope.

Cyrus also tweeted:

MileyCyrus Miley Ray Cyrus 

BTW my bio is a song by The Smiths. One of my favorites You should check it out. Theres no trouble in paradise. I am so happy and SO LOVED.

Following the Mozziah Day 103 Monday 26th December 2011

DAY 1 - KICKING MY HABIT

My name is TRB and I am a Mozaholic. I am serious about this, it is not my attempt at humour, I have become addicted to either the internet or Morrissey or both and I HAVE to kick this habit/habits. The fact that I can admit to myself that I have an addiction is definitely a step in the right direction and the fact that I have just called him Morrissey and not The Mozziah is another step. Unfortunately, as I type this I am listening to a song called 'Never Played Symphonies' by, eh, Morrissey. It is a bit like turning up at an AA meeting with a can of Special Brew in your hand. Perhaps, before I can conquer the addiction, I need to try and find out how I got here. I'm sure that had I found MorrisseysWorld.blogspot.com during the cricket season then none of this would've happened, you see, in the Summer, cricket becomes my whole life, I would have been far too busy to spend all day, every day on the internet and in the make believe world of Twitterdilly and I'm sure I would've simply read some of the content of MW, had a little chuckle and then for convenience sake, dismissed it as a hoax. This addiction definitely WOULDN'T have happened in the cricket season, you see cricket is the meaning of life, indeed if there was a God, which there isn't, his sole purpose in inventing mankind, would've been so he could watch cricket, oh and listen to Morrissey....SHIT, we have some way to go to beat this addiction. Unfortunately for me, I found MW in September, just after the cricket season had finished and The Mozziah addiction has grown stronger and stronger with each passing day. The next cricket season doesn't start until the end of April, so I now have four months to shrug off the addiction, rather than let it grow stronger. If I let it grow, I know what will happen, instead of spending my Summer days chasing a leather ball around a field and sipping ice cold beers in the balmy evening sun, I'll be stood outside the High Court in London in the pouring rain with a Blue Rose pinned to my lapel, holding a placard reading 'The Mozziah Is The Light - The NME Will Burn In Hell'. I will be on the BBC news and in the daily newspapers, my friends and family will disown me, I will be branded a nutter and I'll become the laughing-stock of my village. But then surely Simon Peter and the other disciples would also have had to suffer this mocking and humiliation when they followed the teachings of JC? Hold on, the very fact that I keep referring back to The Mozziah in comparable terms to JC shows my addiction/loss of grip on reality runs deep, I need to go right back to the beginning as the first stage of my therapy to find out how I got to this place and perhaps if I can understand how HE gripped me, I can start to let go. But I don't want to let go, I don't want to live without him, there is never a day that goes by when I don't listen to him. Yes but that's the problem, that isn't normal, most people who like a certain musician or singer don't find the need to listen to them EVERY single day, if I am to break the addiction do I have to give him up completely or can I keep him in small doses and just get rid of the internet thingy? Hold on, I am now talking to myself, well not ACTUALLY talking, I am typing to myself. This may be easier for me to understand if I split myself into two, me and me the therapist. Can anybody possibly want to read this nonsenses? That's not why I'm writing, this is for me. Right.
THERAPIST ME: Why do you feel the need to shrug this addiction?
ME: It's taken over my life. I log on to the internet first thing in the morning, I check MW, I get disappointed if there is nothing there, I then start listening to his music and then I log on to twotter to see if these imaginary friends of mine are talking about him. I then stay in Twitterdilly on and off for hours on end and my 'normal' everyday life has to fit in around it.
THERAPIST ME: Have you not enjoyed the experience?
ME: Yes but that isn't the point, I'm forty six years old, I have a family and responsibilities and I'm either sat on the internet or listening to Morrissey, or usually both. I want to start writing but if I don't wean myself off the net, that just WON'T happen.
THERAPIST ME: The fact that you have recognised this is a start but let's take one step at a time, there is no point giving up the internet, Morrissey and Twitterdilly overnight, I think we need to set achievable and sustainable goals. This is enough therapy for today, you are doing well. Why don't you post this blog in Twitterdilly and then log off, take the dog for a walk and interact with your family?
ME: Can I listen to The Mozziah on the dog walk?
THERAPIST ME: Why don't you try listening to just one or two of his tracks rather than the whole walk being ALL Morrissey as it normally is? In fact, why don't you listen to that Noel Gallagher album that you bought in New York? You've only played it once and in fact, if my memory serves me right, you gave up after four tracks and put Morrissey back on.
ME: But I just want Morrissey's songs, I don't need anything else, is that so bad? I'm really enjoying You Are The Quarry at the moment, deluxe version of course with the hugely underrated Teenage Dad and the incredible Friday Mourning.
THERAPIST ME: Just try Gallagher?
ME: I just don't want to, in fact I don't want to talk to you anymore, I'm off to see if those fucking Parody, not really parody, they're bloody real, Tour Journals have been posted. He promised them yesterday and they still aren't there. I NEED those fucking journals, I NEED those journals, do you understand? What if they NEVER get posted? Then what will I do? When does the cricket season start? Is this normal behaviour? Have I lost the plot? Where've you gone? Oi, where've you gone? What sort of therapist are you?
THERAPIST ME: I'm still here, we'll carry this on tomorrow.
ME: We won't if those journals have been published.

Following the Mozziah Day 102 Sunday 25th December 2011

1900 GMT. How did it get to this? Why have I spent various bits of Christmas Day popping onto the internet to see if The Mozziah has posted his Parody Tour Journals? Okay, it hasn't taken over my WHOLE day and as Christmas day's go, it's been pretty much the same as every other year, ie presents, lunch, drinking and games, but I have been unable to get out of my mind that those Tour Journals have been promised and my obsession is such that I feel this compelling need to read them as soon as they are published. How has HE managed to get such a grip on me? Did Simon Peter ever have a life of his own or was it completely dedicated to JC? And it isn't just me, whenever I pop on to the internet to check MW, I can't resist peeking through the wardrobe into Twitterdilly and there I find various other disciples hanging around, waiting for parody words of wisdom from our leader. And have the Journals been posted yet as promised? Have they 'eckers like. Just like the Q&A session on Twotter yesterday, he's keeping everybody waiting, and talking of the Q&A session, as I had predicted, nothing was really given away, but then, when ever is it? Well, I can't keep popping back on to the internet, I'm mad enough at myself as it is for how much time I waste on this thing, it's going to have to change soon, it's ridiculous, it really is, but like any addiction, it's really hard to break. It doesn't help when my inquisitive rat like nose is tested by certain 'people' in Twittterdilly who I just can't work out, the latest being somebody called '@JodyRoad', who has turned up out of nowhere and is following everybody involved in the 'story so far'. Also, '@caterita2008' contiues to fox me, I swing from thinking she is either The Mozziah or that Rustly old Brand, but the last I read about Brand, he was being 'followed' in real life through the parks of London, he surely can't have time to be hounded down in Narnia too? Oh it's all too much for me, I'm off to watch whatever rubbishy festive Top 100 is on the box and then Downton Abbey. Yeah, I know, I'm kidding nobody, I know I'll no doubt be back before the close of play, just to see if the journals are here, it's pathetic, just pathetic and I hate myself for my weakness and need for this parody drug. Tomorrow I will join PMA, (Parody Mozziah Anonymous). My name is TRB and I am a Mozaholic.

Following the Mozziah Day 101 Saturday 24th December 2011

Today is day 101, how apt, it is my birthday and I continue to defy the odds by living longer than the other male members of my family ever managed. I have treated myself to a full blast play of 'Unhappy Birthday' by eighties band The Smiths and just like the 11th November, my dog bolted back upstairs, in fear of it's life. Anyway, enough about me and my quivering hound, let's get onto The Mozziah. As I trawl around the internet, watching and reading things about The Mozziah, the question strikes me, how  the hell does he live his life in such a goldfish bowl, where everything he says & does is scrutinized? Am I any different to the rest of them by 'Following' him and writing about him every day? Well, he seems to be encouraging me to keep going, so perhaps I'm not tarred with the same brush, but I wouldn't wish fame on anybody. The accolades must be great and I'm sure the 'rush' of performing is just incredible but how thick skinned must you have to be to soak up all the lies and crap that are written about you on a daily basis? And particularly for The Mozziah, how must it feel to read your 'fans' slating you, let alone outsiders? Last week on Twotter I got into an argument with a guy I've mentioned on here before, '@Tony_LeMesmer' who, like the SO-Lowers, is always complaining about Jesse Tobias & Boz Boorer, saying they aren't good enough musicians and that The Mozziah should get rid of them. I asked him why he felt the need to question The Mozziah's judgement and he bragged that he owned everything The Mozziah has ever released so he has a right to critisise. I asked if he really felt he had better judgement than The Mozziah about who should be in the band and he replied, 'Yes because I'm a musician'. Tony and other 'fans' like him, really do believe they have a right to choose band members, choose set lists and lay into The Mozziah if he cancels a concert, because THEY are the fans. Well, they say the customer is always right but we aren't customers, nobody is forcing us to buy the records or go to concerts, if you really, really don't believe Jesse Tobias should be playing, then DON'T go and watch. No disrespect to Jesse or anybody else, but I really can't tell the difference from one of The Mozziah's musicians to the next, I'm just there for him and his words, and as long as the musicians keep the beat, that'll do for me! I guess The Mozziah is used to it by now, but being a commodity must be VERY hard. I watched some Youtube footage of him at the airport in Mexico and as he sat in his car waiting to leave, an obsessed woman was sobbing and squealing, it was 'Bieber Fever' for the middle aged. There may well have been a time that I would've been that squealing Mexican woman, but now, I think if I ever  meet The Mozziah, I will hold my dignity and possibly even resist the urge to lick him.
  Various interpretations are being made by fans and the media about The Mozziah's 'True To You' statement the other day. Most of the media are reporting that The Mozziah will drop the court action against the NME if they say sorry. I personally didn't interpret it that way but it must be an absolute Black Cloud hanging over The Mozziah as we enter a new year. How can he think about tours and record deals with a high profile court case looming? It's Goldfish bowl time once again and I have to say, if it were me I wouldn't want the court case, but of course it is a great opportunity for him to once and for all clear his name and he would then be free to say what he likes, nobody would ever dare question him again. There are real pros & cons for a court case and of course the publicity is ALWAYS good, but if the court case is to go ahead, can we really expect concerts and record deals in 2012? And talking of record deals, many fans are telling The Mozziah to forget major record labels and to just 'get it out there yourself'. All well and good but they are missing the point, as I've said from day one of my blog, it's ALL ABOUT THE LABEL, no not the record company, THE LABEL, that little piece of round paper in the middle of the record, paper by the way, certainly not plastic, and it HAS to be a retro label from his past, it just HAS to be. I honestly thought from The Mozziah's tweets a few months a go, that a deal had been done with Universal and he would be recording for the old 'London' & 'Fontana' labels, but it appears no deal has yet be cemented, let's hope it can still happen.
 Anyway, enough of 'real' Mozziah, let's talk about 'parody' Mozziah and the very exciting, 'Coming soon to a PC near you' MorrisseysWorld. He has returned to Twitterdilly as @MorrisseysWorld with the new strap line of 'It's a Morrissey parody for heaven's sake!' and has started offering his witticisms already. I welcomed him back with a tweet and was acknowledged with a 'retweet', an honour indeed. He has picked up where he left off and is laying in to the likes of Jordan but he also tweeted a rather nice sentiment about 'This Charming Man' being Morrissey & Marr's 'She Loves You'. It was probably tongue in cheek & I've missed the joke but I liked it anyway. The Mozziah also tweeted a message to @mancladmozfan, which proves that he continued to read my blog on tour, it said, 'So you go, and you stand with a rose, And you leave with a rose, And you go home, And you fry, An egg to forget the lie.'  Poor Manc, why didn't he just throw the pigging rose? @MorrisseysWorld is holding a Q&A session tonight on Twotter, I will resist the urge to get involved, and leave him to the masses but I hope the questions aren't too lame, whenever in the past he's held Q&A's, I'm afraid the questions have been a little dull, perhaps that's why he has given warning, but of course there will be no heart rendering confessions or revelations, the answers will all be full of self deprecation, mocking, loathing and wit, well let's hope so anyway! The 'Parody' strap line on The Mozziah's twit account has resulted in a number of people once again saying it ISN'T of course the real Mozziah, they are saying, 'MW's back but this time he's saying it 'really is' a parody to stop it being shut down again.' You couldn't make this up, he's ALWAYS said it's a parody and if he'd been shut down last time, how could it be opening again tomorrow? He's a bloody genius, how much longer can this possibly, possibly continue before everybody realises? They say you can't fool all of the people all of the time but with the exception of about twenty devoted followers who have never questioned the reality of MW, he's doing a pretty good job of fooling the rest. I remember when I first discovered MW, I said in my blog that I hoped he WOULDN'T give a 'sign' at his US concerts as I wanted this to go on and on. Well it looks like my wish was granted but never did I believe for one minute that we could've reached Christmas without it all going viral. The story continues and tomorrow, for the few Mozziah devotees who still believe in MW, our best Christmas present will be reading a so called parody of a real tour journal written in a parody style with real content! Well it beats socks and hankies!

Following the Mozziah Day 100 Friday 23rd December 2011

0335 Bloody dog, bloody Morrissey. This is deja vu. So there I was, just about to come away from all this, now what was it Buck used to call it? oh yeah, 'Following The Mayhem' or 'Following The Mozzarella', when what should happen yesterday? The Mozziah reappears, and not just reappears anywhere, ON MY BLOG! Here's what he posted under the comments section for my blog on Wednesday:

 Morrissey said...

Oh don't stop. Not now-

A merry Christmas to you.

21 December 2011 20:19 


Well how can I stop now? If ever I needed a boost, that was it, I didn't realise he even still read it. And not only did he appear on my blog, but he also made the following statement on the True-to-You.net website:

Statement 21 December

Thank you for a fantastic US-Mexico tour. I am anchored, delighted, and pale with gratitude. The reception in Mexico was beyond words. No attempt to describe could do justice.

Most stirring of all:

1 CHICAGO, US
2 MEXICO CITY, Mexico (second night)
3 MEXICO CITY, Mexico (first night)
4 PUEBLA, Mexico
5 GUADALAJARA, Mexico (first night)
6 MONTERREY, Mexico
7 SANTA FE, US
8 LAS VEGAS, US
9 GUADALAJARA, Mexico (second night)
10 PHOENIX, US

BELLY FLOP: the Shrine, Los Angeles. When it goes wrong, it certainly goes wrong, and this venue is an open slum. Degradingly, the front of the hall is an orchestra pit so lowered that I found myself singing to a mass of hair. The people at the front - who possibly paid the most - were quite literally down a hole. It was embarrassing for me, and surely humiliating for them.

I stopped the show at the Royal Oak Theater in Michigan in consideration of the audience - who were being unashamedly assaulted by the in-house security. It is difficult to watch this happen, especially when our friends (such as Douglas) are being forcibly choked to death simply for being there. If such attacks happened at the opera or in a night-club, the victims would rightfully sue. Strangely, in-house security sense that they have freedom to manhandle patrons of 'rock' shows. I wonder why? You all know how to contact the Royal Oak Theater. The Head of Security at the Royal Oak was the one inflicting the most damage. He obviously thought he was still down at the abattoir - or wished he were.

We had been over-cautioned so continuously about dangers in Mexico, yet we met nothing at all but great support and warmth. The audiences were the most loving (and loud) that I have ever experienced. Everywhere we went people were very gracious, and eager to help. It was a dream tour, and we all felt that we were resolutely home, burdened only by the practicalities of wondering how soon we could return.

We all enjoyed the Conan O'Brien Show, especially after the sinking loss of the Jimmy Kimmel Show being dropped. We only had one other free night to do the show, so Jimmy asked his booked guests 'Lady A' if they would switch their slot so that we could fit in; but they refused. Oh.

I now no longer expect to live long enough to experience an offer to record for a grownup label. This topic would not sound quite so banal had I not mentioned it 47 times already. I promise I will not mention it again. The world, I expect, will somehow endure, even as the follow-up to 'Years of refusal' grows less and less likely. End of subject. I promise.

I am very grateful to our new agency, William Morris Endeavor, for their astounding efforts to make this recent tour so enjoyable and triumphant. No management, no label, no promotion … all that we have are fantastic ticket sales. Which means you. And there is no greater thing worth having.

I have the most magnificent live crew on the planet. If I said my thanks forever it would not be long enough.

Thank you also to Kristeen Young for dragging her make-up case up and down life's highways once again. The growing dedication of so many people who travel from city to city to follow the tour proves to me that now is better and stronger than the past. My admiration for those who refuse to miss a single concert is almost too emotive to voice. Words fail me.

Well. As the year dies, I return to England to prepare for the High Court circus of the NME case. Instead of simply saying "sorry" (for re-writing the answers to my last NME interview in 2007 in order to make me sound racist), the imperious NME would rather spend hundreds and hundreds of thousands of pounds in a High Court duel to the death. The fact that they have chosen a court drama over simply apologizing reinforces the notion that their original intent all along was to invent a sensation. So, here it is. And it is difficult to imagine anything more tragic from a magazine with such a gold-plated history. Of course, the court hearing itself will barely touch upon the actual 2007 interview, and will instead attempt to link my name to almost any unpleasant historical incident from the Irish potato famine to the murder of Medgar Evers. With the help of their giddy fan base at The Guardian newspaper, now is the NME's big chance to scorch me off the human map for good. And what a triumph that would be for them. What a proud and eternal boast.

Oh England, oh England - is this all you have to offer?

Just very softly

MORRISSEY

London, December 2011


And that's not all, The Mozziah also reappeared in MorrisseysWorld & the @MorrisseysWorld twitter account is live again. The MW website is not FULLY reopen yet, but he has posted a message saying, 'Coming Soon: The last ever 'My Live Tour Journal' by our parody 100% fake and bogus Mozzer'. He then has a photo of him and underneath it says, 'Christmas day 2011'. What a Christmas present! He's like a bloody bus, one minute NO Mozziah, the next, he's everywhere. I can't wait to read the 'Tour Journal', will we find out about the stringy dog lead thing? Will the finger lingerie get a mention? And will we finally find out what the speedos and 'Lady Boz' was all about? Talking of 'Lady Boz', I quizzed '@caterita2008' in Twitterdilly the other day to ask why she had replied to '@morrisseysmum's comment about the 'Elsie Tanner rerun'? '@caterita20008', who is allegedly an Italian housewife called Romina, explained that she'd googled Elsie Tanner and put two and two together to realise that it referred to Boz dressing up! Now that isn't a bad explanation and perhaps the 'Tour Journal' will reveal if 'mum's' tweet was indeed a reference to 'Lady Boz', but with all due respect to Romina, it is a little surprising that a 'Housewife from Rome' worked out that Boz was parodying Elsie Tanner when nobody else worked it out, I mean why would anybody work it out? How could you look at Boz Boorer in a woman's skirt and say, 'Do you know what, he's a spit for Elsie Tanner from 1960's Coronation Street'. Romina, I, unlike Boz, just don't wear it! So the mystery of '@caterita2008' continues, I also quizzed her on her tweet from Nov 3rd when she sent a message to @MorrisseysWorld saying, 'Please, please, please....no!' I took this to mean that Romina knew about the release of 'Please Please Please' before anybody else, but she explained that it was merely in response to MW saying he was about to leave Twitter forever and she was pleading for him not to. Another perfectly reasonable explanation, and as Romina pointed out to me in her broken English, 'concidental'. So, the heat is off Romina, the Twitterdillian who's first tweet was on 28 Sep 09 and then no others until 23 Sep 11. Mmmm. Back to bed.

Following the Mozziah Day 99 Thursday 22nd December 2011

THE CHRISTMAS CAROL SERVICE

(The setting is The Twitterdillian Church of 'Our Holy Lady, although I think it's safe to say not a Virgin, Black Betty'. The church is located in a void area between the back of the wardrobe and Twitterdilly, thus allowing access for both 'real' people and 'Twitterdillians'. The congregation is made up mainly of inhabitants from the village of 'Twitterdilly', some of whom are wearing roses and some not. The rose wearers in attendance are; @heathercat222, @Edward_Curtis, @CajunCauliflowr, @Its_Only_Me_K, @girlwithout, @Alekaki_, @jo_beth_s, @cathyplus5, @aboyinthebush22, @amor_y_locura, @loughtonlil, @mmedestaelghost, @EcubyanSoapbox, @stillicling, @Hector_Lector, and @leonardnaf. The Twitterdillians present who no longer wear a rose are; @RosyMires, @Lizzycat4, @AIRRAID25, @girlonbike1102 and @mancladmozfan. There are those who have never worn a rose; @Sonyajayne7 and @Banjaxer, plus other Twitterdillian rose wearers who are trying to be present but as they are believed to be 'second accounts', they are appearing as illusions instead, they are; @UpthePier, @i2177, @caterita2008 and @GorgeousBoyGirl. Others present are those who have never embraced Twitterdilly, but seem to have had a role of sorts in the 'Following the Mozziah' story so far. They are; Michael Bracewell, Linder Sterling, A shed containing @ODyrbrm, Julia Riley, Esther Rantzen, Amanda Holden, Richard Dawkins, Abu Hamza, Adrian Childs, The Ghost of Cyril Fletcher, Boy George, Log Lady, Richard Madely, Justin Bieber, My dog, Kath Viner, Josh Halliday, Conor McNicholas, Tim Jonze, Simon N Ricketts, Justice Tugendhat, @UncleSkinny, Alan Partridge, Lonnie Gordon, Bruce Springsteen, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Tim Rice, Sarah Brightman, Joey Barton, The Stone Roses, Ed Banger, Judge Weeks, Steve Coogan, Jonathan Ross, Russell Brand, David Walliams, Ricky Gervais and 'A Presence', ie The Ghost of Oscar Wilde for those who never got it. Standing outside the church, banned from coming in, is David T, cunt.
 Everybody has gathered for a Carol Service to be held by the Right Reverend Ratsback, who is wearing a Blue Rose. There is fevered excitement because Boz, Jesse, Matt and Solomon are also in the congregation, while Gustavo is playing the church organ. Johnny Marr, Andy Rourke & Mike Joyce are also present, and are sitting in pews on the opposite side of the aisle from Boz & his boys).

(Gustavo is playing a melody of songs on the organ, including a number of The Smiths tunes)

JOHNNY: (To his two mates) Why's that twat playing my songs? Why doesn't he play some of his own? Oh, because he hasn't got any.
JOYCE & ROURKE: (sniggering) Nice one Johnny.
JOHNNY: Did you hear THAT? Bum note, how embarrassing, still, I don't think anyone noticed. *turns to the people sat behind him and raises his voice so that Boz & co will hear* Did you hear that bum note? How embarrassing, just goes to show, you shouldn't take on something you aren't capable of playing.
JOYCE & ROURKE: *snigger*
BOZ: (To his mates) Can you hear that twat over there, who does he think he is? Twenty years I've been playing with Moz *raises his voice* Twenty years, how long did 'she' last? Three? Four? Pathetic.
JESSE: (Standing up) *raised voice* And he no play the guitar like me.
BOZ: All right Jesse son, sit yourself back down.
(The organ stops and Rev Rat enters the pulpit)
RAT: Welcome to you one and all, please bow your heads and join with me as we say:

ALL:
Our Mozzer, Art-hound from Stretford,

Mozziah be thy name.

Thy Concerts gone.

They've all been done, in Pomona

And also in Austin.

Give us this day, a door back to MozWorld

DON'T forgive Joyce his trespasses, (Joyce refuses to say this line but Johnny says it slightly louder)

And don't forgive Conor, McNicholas against us,

And lead us not into Park Heaton, (The Stone Roses Boys sneer)

But deliver us an album. (None of the 3 Smith boys say this line but Boz & the boys say it louder)

For thine IS the voice,

Your words tell the story,

Forever and ever,

Our Moz.

RAT: And let us start the service with hymn number Sixty four from your hymn books, Ding Dong Morrissey On High.
(Gustavo starts playing the tune Ding Dong Merrily on High! It should be noted that Boz & his boys sing the chorus with particular gusto.)

ALL:

Ding Dong Morrissey on high

In Camden bells are ringing

Ding Dong slate grey sky

And taxi driver's singing

CHORUS

Boor oor oor oor oor, oor oor oor oor, oor oor oor oor, rer

Mozziah not in The Smiths

Boor oor oor oor oor, oor oor oor oor, oor oor oor oor, rer

Mozziah not in The Smiths.

RAT: Welcome to you all, at this particularly wonderful time of year, although without Woolworths, it's not quite the same anymore, but let us not forget why we are here, to delight at once again hearing the story of the journey from Ireland to Stretford of those two weary travellers, Peter and Elizabeth, oh AND 'Our Jackie', and how they were followed on their journey by a star, a few shepherds and some kings, although one has to say that this is all rather far fetched, indeed, it is far more likely that they were in fact guided by the spirit of Oscar Wilde and sucked toward Manchester by the breath of Shelagh Delaney. And lest we not forget that this infant was born, not in some dreary hospital in Davyholme as some would have us believe, but in his Mother's garden shed, in which she did keep him locked for the first ten years of his life, before releasing him to the outside world, where he felt isolated and lonely. *turns to the alter with his arms spread* Our MOST holy Mozziah who has felt the pain of both life and death, of which neither one has particularly appealed to you, we worship thee. *turns back to face congregation* and so it came to pass that The Mozziah did hideth himself away in a locked room for many a year where he did read many a book and writeth many things down upon some parchment.
JOHNNY: (To his two boys) That's where I found him, I'd better get a mention.
RAT: And now I would like to invite Buck tooth, I mean, Russell Brand to give a reading.
RUSS: Thanks Rev, I like your dress, although I personally would have worn different shoes, perhaps even a boot, I can't help thinking you've understated yourself, although we wouldn't want anyone accusing you of adelphepothia on this your big day would we? Anyway, here is the reading that you kindly asked me to read, you old aeolist, it originally comes from Germany but someone clever has translated it to English, which is just as well cos otherwise I could've pronounced something wrong and  sparked World War three or something, and none of you would have had a bleeding clue what I was going on about anyway.
HECTOR_LECTOR: (to girlonbike) We would.
RUSS: So here goes, it's called A SPOTLESS ROSE and it's really beautiful.

A Spotless Rose is growing,

Sprung from a tender root,

Of ancient seers' foreshowing,

Of Jesse promised fruit;

It's fairest bud unfolds to light

Amid the cold, cold winter,

And in the dark midnight.
(There is a pause)

It doesn't flow too well towards the end there but it's simple and expressive. (Brand returns to his seat and as Rev Rat goes past him he passes him a fruit gum).

RAT: Will you all please now stand as we sing hymn number thirty three, 'WE THREE SMITHS'. We will just sing the first verse and a chorus.
(Gustavo starts to play the tune We Three Kings)
ALL: We three Smiths from Manchester are
One on the drums and two on guitar
We all use twitter, we're slightly bitter
Following the Mozziah
(CHORUS)
Oh Moz of Stretford got it right
Crowds still flock in every night
Rourke's a DJ, Joyce still bleating
Johnny murders There's a Light

RAT: Lettuce pray. Oh gracious Mozziah of sweet like voice, we confess our unworthiness to stand in your presence as your followers for we have sinned. You asked us to provide the fragrant rose and we have failed you.
STILLICLING & HEATHERCAT: (Whispering) We didn't. *Give each other a high five*

RAT: (Continuing) And so heavenly Mozziah, we ask for your forgiveness and beg that we be given another chance at some new concerts and we also ask for guidance on how to deliver the rose, as it would appear that security doth take it upon themselves to cleareth the stage. And let us all bow our heads and say together...
ALL: Mozziah, our not yet heavenly leader, open up thy World, so that we may once again sit at your right hand, although we will of course be wary not to damage your poorly finger, which doth look striking in the blue coloured lingerie.
RAT: Please stand for one verse of hymn number eighty five, Anti Royal Mozzer's City.
(Gustavo starts to play Once In Royal David's City)
ALL:
Anti Royal Mozzer's City
In the garden stood a shed
Where a mother laid her baby
In a manger for HIS bed
Betty was that mother mild(?)
The Mozziah, her little child.

RAT: Oh not yet heavenly Mozziah, we thank you for giving us the words to help us through life and cherish that we know of the plight of Teenage dad's on their estates, so that we may pray for them and offer them our mercy, but of course not give them any actual cash as it'll go straight on meths. Mozziah we also thank thee for spreading the word of Wilde and of course for pointing out that People are the same everywhere. At this special time of year we are able to both reflect the past in various reservoirs and look forward to the future, when hopefully all will be well. Mozziah, we worship thee and those who have influenced you and it is only right that as none of the teams in the Premiership had a minute's silence for Shelagh Delaney, we will have one now.

(A minute's silence is held)
RAT: And now please stand for our final hymn, number twenty two, The Boorer and the Walkers.
(Gustavo starts to play The Holly and the Ivy.
ALL:
The Boorer & The Walkers
Now they are all full grown
Of all the musos on the stage
The Boorer bears the crown
O the rising of Tobias
His strumming very dear
Gustavo plays the merry organ
Sweet singing of Mozziah.

(Suddenly the doors of the church swing open and a ray of sunlight holds the figure of a man in silhouette, it is The Mozziah. The music and singing stop).
MOZZIAH: Look at you all, you all come here in so called worship, all wanting a piece of me and yet NONE of you know me. I live for you, every one of you. *glances towards Joyce, Weeks and G*ardian lot* Well most of you, and what do I hear? *adopts a mimicking voice* I don't think much to the set list, When's he coming back to twitter? When will he play some UK dates? When are The Smiths getting back together? Why won't he come to Canada? How must he be feeling about Shelagh? When's the book coming out? Has he signed a record deal? How long can he go on for? Why the string and no belt?*readopts normal voice* I'm sick of it, sick of it. Get out the lot of you, go on GET OUT. You'll miss me when I'm gone, I keep telling you, You'll miss me when I'm gone.
(The church empties and everybody looks down at the floor as they trundle past The Mozziah, but each hand him a 'Blue Rose'. One person remains, it is the ghost of Oscar Wilde).

MOZZIAH: Now I feel bad, they actually do all love me don't they? But what is it Oscar? Why am I here? What is my purpose? I look up at the stars and I see things, what do they mean?
OSCAR: Questions, questions, questions my boy. It would appear that Trouble no longer just 'loves' you, it has moved in with you and is leaving it's dirty laundry all over your floor. I fear that you think too much.
MOZZIAH: So what should I do?
OSCAR: There is only one thing you need do for now, re-open your World for your people. Let them know you are there for them.
MOZZIAH: Thank you, you never judge me like the others, I wish I could've been there for you, I wish there were something I could do for you.
OSCAR: Well actually, now you mention it, could you just sign my copy of the Order of Service? It's not for me you understand, it's for my, eh, niece. (The Mozziah signs the order of service and the two leave the church, they pass Rev Rat outside who has been chatting to the parihioners/twitterdillians).
RAT:Merry Christmas Mozziah and thank you for being you.