In May 2011 Morrissey issued a statement on the website True-To-You.net denying that he was behind a blog called MorrisseysWorld. In the August he denied it again. And then again in September. I know a rat when I smell one and I smelt one, a BIG one, so I started to write this blog to record the offerings of the 'fake' Morrissey. What happened over the next six years was nothing short of phenomenal. The journey came to a halt on Christmas Eve 2017.
17. One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell 18. How Soon is Now? ENCORE: 19. Still Ill.
Today I will be away from the internet for most of the day, so will have no time to study Youtube footage from last night's concert, but I will presume that no roses managed to reach the stage as I haven't even noticed any Argentinians tweeting about Morrissey. Ironically, the person who owns the twitter account '@Morrissey' is an Argentinian, but it would appear that he isn't even a fan of The Mozziah. He's certainly got more followers though, he has over 7,000 compared to '@MorrisseysWorld's' 5,714.
As I write this, the only song from last night that has been posted on Youtube is 'Let Me Kiss You', with The Mozziah dressed in a white shirt, that is tossed into the audience at the usual time, just after the line, "But then, you open your eyes and you see someone that you physically despise", which has to be the best self deprecating line EVER in the history of 'pop' music. I just love 'Let Me Kiss You', if ever the Elephant Man, Quasimodo or my mate Spud had ever written a song, it would've been 'Kiss You', pure poetry for the aesthetically displeasing.
And talking of the shirt coming off during 'Kiss You', I was half expecting to see a tattoo on The Mozziah's torso or arm, but it was not to be. The reason I thought there may be a tattoo is because yesterday on twitter, '@MorrisseysMum' mentioned that he has had one done, and that it was a set of dancing musical notes, turning into boxing gloves. I would give the exact quote from the tweet, but I have just gone onto twitter to get it, and the tweets have been deleted! What's that about? Is there a tattoo or is there not a tattoo? And if there is, could it be hidden around the back somewhere?, it certainly doesn't seem to be on his back, so perhaps the backside? He has got previous for having his backside inked, so who knows? Will we ever know, or will it remain a secret for just a select few to find?
'@MorrisseysWorld' briefly returned to both twotter and his blogsite yesterday, but The Mozziah was seemingly in a dark mood, claiming that he will close both the blog and his twitter account if no roses reach the stage by the end of the concerts in Argentina and Brazil. He has also (once again) promised that the tour diaries from the US/Mexico tour will soon be published and that they will indicate who is 'really' behind MorrisseysWorld.
An interview, which would appear to have been conducted by email, has appeared on the internet, written in Portugese. It is an interview with a Brazilian newspaper/magazine/website (I can't work out which) called diverta-se.uai.com.br. In the interview (which I have translated with google translate) it would appear that Morrissey has once again denied that he is the author of MorrisseysWorld, and he also calls MW 'dangerous'. The actual words from the interview, via google translate, are, "I am not the author of Morrissey's World, which is dangerous and has caused me problems. The internet means that anyone becomes a critic and, in general, the thrust of some is to hurt and destroy because they can do so in the safety of their rooms with Star Wars, a little friend and Iowa." This is an obvious dig at So-Low and NOT MorrisseysWorld, but another denial of authorship is always welcomed!
Also in the interview, Morrissey says, (via google translate) "I have written two albums that will not be released by any label. I am 17 years. Nobody knows what to do with me." Yes, you read it correctly, he said he is 17 and the interviewer didn't question this, presumably because they were emailed answers and not a proper interview. Justin Bieber is 17! Co-incidence after all the Bieber references on MW? A sign to MorrisseysWorlders? Hmm.
I will be back tomorrow, and hopefully I will have seen a bit more Youtube footage from the M-Arena in Mendoza. Could there be roses? Somebody has just posted on the MW blog saying that they threw one! Is this true? And if so, will evidence appear on Youtube?
Justin Bieber turns 18 tomorrow, so will we see The Mozziah back on twitter, offering Biebs 'Many happy returns'? As ever, time will tell.
(The scene is back stage of the Vina del Mar Festival in Chile - Friday 24th Feb 2012. The festival is running late and the festival's general director, Pablo Morales is talking to his deputy, 'Juan')
PABLO (please read in a thick Spanish accent): Juan, I have a leetle job for you to do. Tonight's show is running a beet behind schedule and I need you to go and tell the Engleesh band that they will be going on stage later than planned. Be warned Juan, that Morr-ee-see, he can be a beet of a diver, but don't take none of hees shit, you tell heem straight, ok?
JUAN (also to be read in thick Spanish accent): But why must I go Pablo? Why don't you tell the diver that hees got to go on later?
PABLO: I have had eet up to 'ere(touches the underneath of his chin) with these divers, did you not 'ear of the demands of Luis Miguel? He insisteed on 120 towels and farking oxygen tanks. Farking Mexican cant. One million dollars we have paid to Miguel to appear at our festival, you would theenk he could afford his own farking towels, and what can he possibly need 120 of them for? These preeks just make these demands because they theenk they are so important, well I say sheet to them Juan, they can all go fark themselves, now off you go, and remember, take no sheet from that Morr-ee-see.
(Juan wanders off to the dressing room area and sees a door with a scrappy piece of paper blue tacked to it, which reads 'Morrissey's Band'. Juan walks straight in.)
JUAN (don't forget to keep reading in Spanish accent): Which one of you is the bozz man?
BOZ: Bosman? Wasn't he the Belgium footballer who got the ruling on free transfers for all professional footballers out of contract? (starts to laugh and looks around for other band members to join in the laughter, but remembers all of the band members are foreign and they don't get his joke. There is no laughter.) (Mutters under his breath) The sooner I get back with the Polecats the better.
JUAN: (to Boz) Hey, beeg guy, are you the bozz man?
BOZ: Big guy? You cheeky c*nt, this is all muscle you know. Yeah, I'm Boz, what do you want?
JUAN: I have to say, I am surprised, I expected Morr-ee-see to be sleemer and with more 'air.
BOZ: I'm not Moz you daft twat, I'm Boz.
JUAN: You said that you were the bozz.
BOZ: I am, but you just said you wanted the Moz.
JUAN: No I didn't, I 'aven't mentioned no Moz, I asked for the bozz and you said that you were een charge. Are you the bozz man, or aren't you?
BOZ: Wasn't Bosman the Belgium footballer who....oh never mind. What is it you want?
JUAN: Thees festival ees running a leetle bit late, you will not be going on stage until after 1am, I thought I would just let you know, and before you start to give me any of your sheet, I will not take any, ok?
BOZ: (purses lips together and sucks in air, just like a builder does when giving an estimate) Oooo. The boss ain't gonna like that, I don't envy you telling him.
JUAN: Telling who, what?
BOZ: Telling the boss about going on stage late, between me and you, he can be a bit of a diva. Good luck.
JUAN: What are you on about, you said that you were the bozz?
BOZ: No, I said I'm Boz, you need to speak to Morrissey.
JUAN: I do not understand you eengleesh. Well where ees Morr-ee-see?
BOZ: Well certainly not in here, he's in his own personal dressing room at the end of the corridor. As I say (looks at Juan's name badge) Juan, me old son, good luck in there, you're gonna need it.
(Juan walks to the end of the corridor where a big gold star is on the door, along with a properly printed placard that reads, 'STAR OF THE VINA DEL MAR FESTIVAL 2012 - MORRISSEY'. The sound of Elvis Presley singing 'If I Can Dream' can be heard blaring out with Morrissey singing along. Juan enters, without knocking and sees a huge flat screen tv on the wall with Elvis's '68 Comeback Special' dvd playing. Morrissey is dressed in black pvc trousers and jacket, the jacket is undone, revealing a bare chest. Morrissey is standing in the mirror looking at himself, and has the word 'DREAM' written on his chest in black marker pen. He is still singing at the top of his voice and hasn't noticed Juan enter the room.)
MOZ: (singing, with his eyes tightly closed, into his hairbrush) "While I can think, while I can walk, while I can stand, while I can talk (opens eyes and sees Juan standing there looking at him. He stops singing and presses pause on the dvd player) (to Juan) Enjoying the view?
JUAN: (flushes) Er, yes, I mean, er, (coughs nervously) ahem, I am sorry to intrude, and by the way, you 'ave an incredible voice.
MOZ: Yes, it's been said. Not bad for a man in his mid forties eh? Now, despite your lack of basic manners and decorum, viz a viz, knocking the door before entering, I have decided not to have you immediately removed from my dressing room and subsequently dismissed from whatever position it is that you hold within this establishment, because I rather like your gait!
MOZ: You walk well, and what is more, you have nice square shoulders. You do not slouch, so many people slouch these days, and if there is one thing I cannot stand, it's a sloucher. Now, what can I do for you (looks at Juan's name badge) Juan?
JUAN: Are you the Bozz man? Eets just that I asked a man a minute ago if he was the bozz man and he said that he was, but I think he was just having, how you eengleesh say, a pull of my leg, because he wasn't the bozz at all.
MOZ: You have arrived at the correct stop Juan, now despite my initial pleasure at seeing your gait, I am now tiring of you and have preparations to make for my 'top of the bill' performance tonight, I presume you will be watching?
JUAN: Yes, I am very much looking forward to eet, I am told that you take off your shirt and then toss eet off into the audience, I will try to stand in front of you as you do your toss. What 'ave you written on your chest senor?
MOZ: Not that it is any of your business, but I am trying out some body art.(looks at self in mirror) I cannot decide what to write. First of all I wrote 'Come Armageddon', but that didn't seem right, so then I wrote 'DEAD' and now Elvis has inspired me to write 'DREAM'. I wanted to write something for the people of Chile, (turns back to Juan) you are all such lovely people. Now, I really must get on, so I must bid you goodnight.
JUAN: Yes, no problem, I just popped in to say that the festival is running a leetle beet late and you will be going on after 1am now.
(Morrissey is quiet for a moment or two.)
MOZ: Ok, thank you for letting me know. Could you please just pass that bag over ?(points to a bag)
JUAN: Yes of course, (passes bag) and can I just say, thank you very much for being so understanding. Some people had told me that you could be a beet of a diver and that you would not be happy. The beeg Boz man, he even did the suck of the air, just like the builder does when he gives the estimate, and he say to me, (adopts cockney accent) "Good luck in there Juan, me old son, you're gonna need it". (back to normal Spanish accent) He obviously doesn't know you as well as he thought eh?
MOZ: (packing away all his stuff into his bag) Oh he knows me pretty well. Could you just pass me my coat, it's hanging on the back of the door?(points to back of door)
JUAN: Yes, this is no problem (collects coat and passes it to Morrissey, who puts it on). Why are you putting on your coat, it is not cold in here?
MOZ: It will be outside though, I don't want to catch a cold you know.
JUAN: Why are you going outside?
MOZ: I'm off back to the Ritz Carlton Juan (adopts cockney accent) me old son.
JUAN: But you have a show to do.
MOZ: Not anymore Juan. If you refer to your copy of the contract, you will see that item sixteen, subsection three, clearly states that I must go on stage before 1am, and as you have just informed me that I am no longer going to be going on stage before 'Juan' am, you are in breach of contract. Do you know Juan, I moan about these lawyers bills, but it's at times like these, they're worth every penny. I look forward to receiving my payment in full, and now I really must bid you goodnight, if I hurry, I may get back to the hotel before the entertainment's finished, I believe they've got a 'Contortionist 60's tribute act' on tonight, called 'Bend Me, Shape Me', if truth be known, I was distraught that I was going to miss them.
JUAN: Senor Morr-ee-see, there 'as been a dreadful mishunderstanding, you cannot just leave, the whole of Chile is waiting to watch you on television.
MOZ: (removing his coat) Then I suggest Juan, that rather than try and tinker with your star attraction, who incidentally has scheduled a whole South American tour around your poxy festival, you go and cut short one or two of your lesser known 'local' acts, and get me on stage prior, to one f*cking am. Comprende?
JUAN: But we would have to cancel the semi finals of the competition.
MOZ: This ain't the Champions league Juan, it's a back street folk festival.
JUAN: Is there no compromise?
MOZ: If we didn't have timings written into contracts, we'd have all sorts of anarchy. What would stop me from deciding to go on stage at 4pm or you insisting I go on at 4am? A contract is a contract Juan. The decision is yours, either I go on stage at the stipulated time, or I don't go on at all, and while we're having this conversation, just to let you know, that as you have caused me 'undue stress' by mentioning a possible change to the schedule, I will now be dropping three songs, of my choice, from the set list, as stated in section twenty eight of the contract, subsection 3a. I will decide during the set which three of my gems to leave out, but if you think for one minute that you'll be getting The Smiths classic, 'Still Ill', you can think again. (Morrissey turns to the mirror and starts to remove the word 'dream' from his chest with a wet wipe.) And what is more, my gift of body art to the people of Chile has just gone out of the window, I will wait until I am in Argentina, and give them the gift instead. Perhaps I will draw some musical notes and a boxing glove, hmm, I like that, Elvis would have approved. (looks back towards Juan) Are you still here? I suggest you go and sort out your festival Juan, and don't for one minute try and get somebody to present me with an award, awards are completely meaningless, unless they are Ivor Novello's, and I already have one of those. (walks Juan to the door) Off you trot, and by the way, when you get a mo, I want a hundred and twenty one towels delivered to my room and some krispy kreme doughnuts. (shuts door, picks up hairbrush and puts Elvis back on. Looks back in the mirror and sings, "While I can dreammmmm, please let my dreammmm, come true, oh oh oh, right nowwwwww, oh let it come true right nowwwwww, oh yeah."
THE 'TWITTERDILLY ARMS' TOP 10 - WEEK BEGINNING SUNDAY 26th FEBRUARY 2012
1. REEL AROUND THE FOUNTAIN - THE SMITHS (RE-ENTRY)
2. COME BACK TO CAMDEN - MORRISSEY (RE-ENTRY)
3. TROUBLE LOVES ME - MORRISSEY (DOWN 2)
4. LET ME KISS YOU - MORRISSEY (DOWN 1)
5. I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING - THE SMITHS (NEW ENTRY)
6. EVERYDAY IS LIKE SUNDAY - MORRISSEY (DOWN 4)
7. LIFE IS A PIGSTY - MORRISSEY (DOWN 1)
8. I'VE CHANGED MY PLEA TO GUILTY - MORRISSEY (DOWN 4)
9. ACTION IS MY MIDDLE NAME - MORRISSEY (NEW ENTRY)
10. HEART - RITA PAVONE (DOWN 3)
Follow MorrisseysWorld on Twitter @MorrisseysWorld
Follow TRB on Twitter @TheRatsBack
Movistar Arena, Santiago, Chile Sunday 26th Feb 2012
SET LIST: 1. First Of The Gang To Die 2. You're The One For Me Fatty 3. Alma Matters 4. You Have Killed Me 5. Ouija Board Ouija Board 6. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out 7. Everyday Is Like Sunday 8. I Will See You In Far Off Places 9. Action Is My Middle Name 10. I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris 11. I Know It's Over 12. Let Me Kiss You 13. Speedway 14. Pleople Are The Same Everywhere 15. Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want 16. Black Cloud 17. Meat Is Murder 18. One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell 19. Scandinavia 20.How Soon is Now? ENCORE: 21. Still Ill.
I have previously written a blog entry explaining the planning that has to go into stage invading at a Morrissey concert. It isn't a case of just leaping onto the stage whenever you fancy it, there are lots of things to consider first. The main one, is finding the opportunity, although, you've got to make sure you don't go too early, as nine times out of ten, you face eviction from the venue. Nobody would ever attempt it during the first song, as you would a)miss the whole concert and b) the security would be on their toes, ready to pounce. The most obvious time to attempt 'invasion' is during the last song, which means you don't miss any of the concert, and also, because loads of other people are usually attempting to invade too, you stand a better chance of success. Another thing to take into consideration, is finding a gap in the audience, to enable you to mount the stage. The people in the front row are very protective of their 'spot', and don't give it up easily. Most importantly of all, you must 'plan your hoist', as most of the stages are elevated. The best thing to do, is get a mate to give you a bunk up, but when I did my 'invasion', I had been separated from my mates, and to be honest, it was quite impromptu, as I'd noticed the security had dozed off, well I thought they had, but they soon dozed back on again once I'd made it onto the stage. One small step for rat, one giant leap for ratkind.
Anyway, the reason I am mentioning the difficulty and planning involved in 'invading' the stage, is because, compared to getting a rose onto the stage, 'invading' is NOTHING. SMALL FRY. A STROLL IN THE PARK. During the US & Mexico tour, many people made it onto the stage, particularly during the encore, but how many managed to get a rose onto the stage? Four! Eighteen concerts and just four roses, although it should be noted that this is an estimate as The Mozziah STILL hasn't released the tour diaries, which would confirm the actual number. And how many roses have made it to the stage in Chile? *adopts voice of Bob Monkhouse during his family fortunes days* "Our survey said?" *adopts noise of Family fortunes survey machine* "Ut Oh". For those unfamiliar with either 'Bob Monkhouse', 'Family Fortunes' or indeed the 'survey machine', it's a BIG FAT ZILCH. NUL POINTS. NADA. NO ROSES. Whatever happened to the rose throwing pledges of; '@Rafasanhueza', '@FranciscaBabul', '@isis_lina', '@marceline_p' and '@morrisseychile'? Not a rose between them! Rafa even tweeted me to say, "I didn't get one"! F*ck me, it would seem it even needs planning to just buy a bloody rose! For the love of God, Rafa me old mate, you knew the concert was on a Sunday, the shops being closed is hardly a good enough excuse! Do you think Oscar Wilde would've put up with that from any of his 'Green Carnation' mob? (Yes, I know you couldn't buy green carnations, but you get my point!) And what about our old friend '@mancladmozfan'? Surely, having taken a rose to the concert in the US and having failed to throw it, he must have achieved it this time, especially as The Mozziah ribbed him about it on twotter? No, it would appear not! All that way, not to throw a rose. Oh Manclad!
The reason I am so confident that no roses made the stage, is because there is already loads of Youtube footage, which is the complete opposite of the Mexico tour, where it took ages to get any Youtube footage posted. It helps that Chile is only three hours behind UK time (not sure how that works!), but even more likely that the footage is up on Youtube already, is because virtually every single member of the audience last night, seemed to be filming! It is now getting beyond a joke, does nobody go to a concert anymore and just watch without filming? What's the point in filming it? Why not just wait and watch somebody else's copy on Youtube? Let's face it, virtually every Morrissey song, from every concert, now ends up on Youtube, in fact, I think the only song NOT on Youtube is 'I Keep Mine Hidden' from the concert in Gt Yarmouth on May 15th 2009, when some rat shaped thing leapt onto the stage, and believe me, I've trawled the whole of Youtube looking for it. If I'd made my rat like leap in Chile, I'd have been all over the web, but on May 15th 2009, I just ended up all over the pier....face down!
As I watch the Youtube footage of last night's concert, there is a moment during the encore, where The Mozziah crouches down and sings, "It just wasn't like the old days anymore", is he referring to the lack of flowers?, quite possibly so. At the end of 'How Soon Is Now?', which is the last song before the encore, The Mozziah can be seen 'pausing' before leaving the stage, thus giving an opportunity for roses to be thrown, but of course, none were.....and so to the aptly named 'M' Arena in Mendoza, Argentina for a concert tomorrow night. Is it really worth trying to get the Argentinian fans to throw roses? Is 'Blue Rose' ever going to take off? Time, as ever, will tell.
For last night's concert, the band wore 'WE HATE WILLIAM AND KATE' t shirts and The Mozziah wore a black shirt (later changed into yellow & then white) and NO FINGER LINGERIE! Did he forget to ask Boz to put it on for him?, or has the parody ended? Will it return in Argentina?, (the lingerie, not the parody) and if it does, will it be pink or will it be blue? Last night's concert also saw the return of 'Please, Please Please' to the set list. Was this The Smiths song that was mentioned by The Mozziah on twotter on Saturday, or is there another one being rehearsed?
There is a new stage back drop for this tour, with a photo of a man playing a banjo, whilst perched on the knee of another, slightly troubled looking man. I decided to ask my former 'Spirit of Nico' (now just plain old '@dotdotdotpause') if he/she knew anything about this photo. Now obviously, '@dotdotdot' ISN'T The Mozziah, as I'd previously thought, and this was re-iterated to me on Friday, when he/she tweeted me about thirty minutes before The Mozziah went on stage. Obviously The Moziah is not going to be tweeting me half an hour before going on stage, but whoever this mystery person is, they are certainly knowledgeable and it should be remembered that 'dotdotdot' is the person who fed me Dante, Rita Pavone, Ann Margret etc, so if anybody was to know something about the backdrop, it would be 'dot'. He/she didn't disappoint, and I was pointed in the direction of an internet picture site, and in particular a photo 'album' entitled, 'Vintage Pics of Male Togetherness', which has a number of photos, including the one in question, which is called, 'Affectionate Musicians'. There are some really excellent photos in the album, so I posted it on twitter for others to view. Good old 'Former Spirit of Nico', so knowledgeable, and DEFINITELY NOT THE MOZZIAH!
And talking of The Mozziah, which sometimes I do (!), I have been re-watching some of the footage from the Vina del mar festival, and at the end of 'Let Me Kiss You', off comes the shirt and it is tossed towards the audience, except it was thrown with all the expertise of those currently attempting to throw roses, and it hardly made it off the stage! You'd think with all those years of shirt tossing under his belt, The Mozziah would have it off to a fine art, but it just goes to show, even the most experienced can have a lame toss. For the record, there was no meathead like fighting over the shirt, it was simply scooped up by one happy young lady, who then strolled back to her seat. Now you wouldn't get that in the UK, somebody would've put the nut on her!
Today I have had a day away from t'internet, although I have managed to sneak an hour or so to watch the Vina del Mar Festival performance on Justin.tv, good old Justin, whoever he is. Highlights for me from the festival performance are 'Black Cloud', 'Everyday Is Like Sunday' (in which flowers were offered to The Mozziah by a member of the audience, but as they weren't roses, they were ignored), 'I Know It's Over', 'There Is A Light That Never Goes Out' and 'Let Me Kiss You'. Oh sod it, they're all good, they really are! It has been reported on t'internet that The Mozziah insisted on going on stage before 1am, as was in his contract, and apparently it put some noses out of joint...oh well, they should sort their timings out! It is also reported that The Mozziah's set was cut short and 'Action', Irish Blood' and 'Still Ill' were left out.
Today The Mozziah has not been on twotter,but he appeared yesterday and among his tweets, he informed '@EcubyanPoet' (formerly EcubyanTeaChest) that his most sentimental song is 'Come Back To Camden' and the song he holds most dear is 'There Is A Light That Never Goes Out'. I didn't realise, until reading it yesterday on 'PassionsJustLikeMine.com', that 'Camden' has only been performed live twice, and the last time was at the London Palladium last August. I now feel very privileged to have seen it, and I have to say, as reported on my blog entry of December 31st, 'Camden' was the highlight of the show. I wonder why he doesn't play it more?
Another '@MorrisseysWorld' tweet yesterday to '@KickingPricks', said, "We are rehearsing another Smiths song. It might JUST be ready for Buenos Aires. Do cry for me, Argentina!" This has to be another 'sign', and so we shall have to wait and see what song it is. Could it be any of The Smiths songs that have featured in the 'Twitterdilly Arms Top 10'?
More pledges have been made on twitter by '@marceline_p' and 'FranciscaBabul' that roses will be thrown at tonight's concert in Santiago, so we shall have to wait and see if this does actually happen and if it does, will The Mozziah wear one of them?
A teasing tweet from The Mozziah read, "Does Trouble Love Us? Bring a red rose or a white rose. And a blue one just in case. Could he? Should he? Would he?
Festival de Vina del Mar, Chile Friday 24th Feb 2012
1. I Want The One I Can't Have
2. First Of The Gang To Die
3. You're The One For Me Fatty
4. When Last I Spoke To Carol
5. Black Cloud
7. There Is A Light That Never Goes Out
8. Everyday Is Like Sunday
9. I Know It's Over
10. Let Me Kiss You
11. People Are The Same Everywhere
12. I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris
13. Meat Is Murder
14. Ouija Board, Ouija Board
15. I Will See You In Far Off Places
17. You Have Killed Me
18. How Soon Is Now?
This show was streamed live last night/early this morning via www.televisiongoo.com, so I stayed up way past my bedtime, to the advertised start time of 1am, to watch it. Unfortunately, the advertised time was wrong, and the show didn't start until 3am UK time, so with heavy heart (actually tied eyes), I went to sleep instead!
This morning, I have woken up and ploughed through Youtube to see what I can find from last night's show. So far I have found an excellent recording of 'First Of The Gang To Die', which I presume is from the official tv footage, plus there is an ok recording of 'There Is A Light That Never Goes Out'. These two videos show that The Mozziah is dressed in a bright 'rose red' shirt (surely a sign?), but there is no sign of either the infamous stringy belt, or indeed a normal belt, has Boz hidden them again?, if he has, he'll be back in the woman's clothing before he can say 'Slippery Forces'.
The finger lingerie has made a welcome return and it must now be presumed, that The Mozziah is either parodying himself, or parodying the like of Chris Martin from Coldplay, who wears lots of ridiculous plasters on his fingers. We all know that the spelk has been removed from The Mozziah's finger, and he hasn't been wearing any finger lingerie in Chile prior to the concert, so it is obviously now being worn for pure parody purposes, or as another 'sign' to MorrissyWorlders.
Another song to have appeared on Youtube is 'I Want The One I Can't Have', but although the audio is ok, it is filmed from too far away. A recording of 'Let Me Kiss You' has also been posted, but it is spoiled by a member of the audience singing along. Actually, it doesn't spoil it, it's very amusing, as the woman sings so out of tune, it adds a 'Je ne sais quoi' to the whole performance. At the point in the song where The Mozziah rips his shirt off, 'Mrs Chile-out-of-tune' screams and then sings/screeches with renewed gusto. We've all stood next to somebody like Mrs C, in fact, I'm sure some people reading this 'are' Mrs C, but hey, they're happy, so leave them alone!
I have not had to visit So-Low, because Rosy Mires (pronounced Mirez) has posted the whole set list on MorrisseysWorld, in the comments section of a new article, which is entitled, "A thread for discussion of the Blue Rose Society on this tour. Post your concert reviews, comment on 'signs' and spread the word about the rose'. This article also links into my 'Blue Rose' history blog entry from Thursday, and also says, "Roses should be red or white (rarely blue) and devoid of thorns. Do not throw them at the seminal artiste but rather throw them on stage." The Mozziah has written the bit about not throwing them 'at' the seminal artiste, because a number of years ago, he was hit in the eye by a flower. This can be viewed on Youtube by typing in 'Miserable Lie Smiths Derby 83'. I also believe that The Mozziah has written "rarely blue" to indicate that 'Trouble Loves Me" will very rarely be played, and I'm certainly not expecting to see it on this tour. It would be very special if it was saved for the next UK concert.
As I am writing this, I keep checking Youtube, and 'How Soon Is Now' has just been posted. It is the final song of the set and as there are no sign of any roses on the stage, I think it is safe to assume that none made it all night, although in fairness, I don't think anybody was expecting any at this festival, but tomorrow night at the Movistar Arena in Santiago, there WILL be roses thrown, with the likes of '@rafasanhueza' already having pledged to throw them. So now, we must wait and see.
Today will be a short entry as I am sat in the Melia Hotel in London, next to Regents Park, and I need to get back home. I have spent the night here, having watched a screening of Marcus Markou's ( aka '@Papasonsfilm') new film, 'Papadopoulos & Sons'. It is a well made film and I have labelled it 'A feel good film for the repossessed and financially f*cked'. I got to meet Marcus, who is a really lovely guy, and I wish him all the best in getting his film distributed. I came away from the film thinking that a young teenage audience would absolutely love it, and I think he should have a screening exclusively for a group of thirteen year olds to gauge their reaction.
All is fairly quiet on the Moz front, he has posted a new parody article on MorrisseysWorld about some Morrissey tribute band called 'Viva Morrissey'. I have never heard of them, so it is hard to say if he is parodying them because he likes them or because he doesn't, as I've said before, it's a thin line with this parody lark. And speaking of which, when I googled Morrissey news today, I was dragged into So-Low, where there is an article about the re-release of the album 'Viva Hate', which is being released as a double lp, with an extra track and an exclusive badge. When I read this I actually laughed out loud for real. The Mozziah is even parodying himself with the re-releases, he has taken the words from his song 'Paint a Vulgar Picture' and carried it through to the letter. The song goes, "Re-issue, re-package, re-package, re-evaluate the songs, double pack with a photograph, extra track and a tacky badge." The So-lowers don't get the parody of course, there is just uproar as they accuse The Mozziah of hypocrisy. It's really laughable, in fact, I think I will treat myself to a chuckle *chuckles*.
Other Moz stories include news that the band have been rehearsing in Chile, and have been playing 'Everyday is Like Sunday', 'There Is A Light That Never Goes Out' and 'Ouija Board', among others. Footage on Youtube also shows that The Mozziah's fingers are free of any 'finger lingerie' and other footage shows fans galore, standing outside the Ritz Carlton Hotel. He really is BIG news over there.
I have posted my 'Blue Rose' blog from yesterday to various fans on twitter who are going to the concert on Sunday, and it looks really promising that roses will be thrown. Tonight the tour starts, with Morrissey headlining the 'Vina del Mar' festival. Hopefully there will be Youtube footage posted, so I will report tomorrow. It remains to be seen as to whether MorrisseysWorld posts the set list.
FACT - MORRISSEY RARELY ACCEPTS FLOWERS ON STAGE, BUT IN THE PAST YEAR HE HAS TAKEN TWO ROSES - A RED ROSE IN POMONA ON NOVEMBER 28th 2011 & A WHITE ROSE IN BOGOTA ON MARCH 17th 2012.
MORRISSEY WANTS TO BE GIVEN ROSES - AND HE PARTICULARLY WANTS A BLUE ROSE.
THE HISTORY OF 'BLUE ROSE'
On August 22nd 2011, Morrissey, via the website MorrisseysWorld.blogspot.com, asked for fans attending his concerts on the USA tour, to wear either a single red rose or a single white rose.
On September 1st 2011, this request was re-iterated and it was stated that it was in honour of Oscar Wilde, because of the roses being a recurring motif in his work. It was also stated that Wilde lives on today in the artiste Morrissey.
On November 4th 2011, on MorrisseysWorld, it was explained that the 'Secret Rose Society' was to mirror Oscar Wilde's 'Green Carnation', a secret society formed by Oscar Wilde for his followers, who would all wear green carnations to his performances without anybody knowing why.
On November 14th 2011, Morrissey's tour of the USA and Mexico got underway, with a concert in San Antonio, Texas, and a small number of the audience were reported to have worn roses.
On November 28th 2011, during the song 'Everyday is Like Sunday', at the concert in Pomona, Morrissey 'received' a RED ROSE from a member of the audience and sniffed it. There is Youtube footage showing this here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAAWht5sVL0 .
There were a number of other concerts played on the US and Mexican tour, and at various concerts, some members of the audience wore white or red roses, but NONE were actually handed to Morrissey.
In February 2012, Morissey, via MorrisseysWorld, labelled his fans the 'Blue Rose Society',
On February 24th 2012, Morrissey started his tour of South America and again, MorrisseysWorld gave instruction to wear a red rose or a white rose and also instructed fans to THROW THEIR ROSES ONTO THE STAGE.
Two concerts were played in Chile, and although it is rumoured that roses were worn by some members of the audience, NO ROSES made the stage. Four concerts were then played in Argentina and once again, it is said that some of the audience wore roses, but NONE were handed to Morrissey. Four more concerts followed in; Brazil (3) and Peru (1), but again, NO roses were handed to Morrissey.
On March 17th 2012, on the very last day of Morrissey's South American tour, in Bogota, Columbia, Morrissey 'plucked' a WHITE ROSE from a member of the audience during the song 'You Have Killed Me' (Video footage here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVaezmLcyi4 ). Under the red lighting, the rose looked red, thus confirming a prophecy on MorrisseysWorld, which said the white rose would turn red when the blood runs (the 'blood runs' being the song 'You Have Killed Me'). This act signalled the start of a phenomenon that Morrissey has labelled 'BLUE ROSE SOCIETY'.
On April 19th 2012, Morrissey embarked on the Asian leg of his World tour. Many flowers were taken to the concerts in Japan (evidence here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzuUW4QpSO8 ) but mainly gladioli, so Morrissey ignored them. HE WANTS ROSES. Morrissey DID take a flower in Nagoya on May 2nd (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1Hk-jGv440), but having looked at it, he gave it away. It WASN'T a rose!
On May 3rd 2012, at the final concert of the Japanese tour, in 'Ebisu Garden Hall' Tokyo, the FIRST BLUE ROSE was taken to a Morrissey concert by '@Tokyo_Katie', but she was too far away to give it to Morrissey. Here is her photo: http://instagr.am/p/KKVHv2iEeL/
On May 8th 2012, at the concert in Singapore, at Fort Canning Park, the SECOND BLUE ROSE was taken to a Morrissey concert by '@MancLadMozFan'. It had been well documented via twitter that Manclad was taking a BLUE ROSE, and '@BozBoorer' had even tweeted to say, "We're looking forward to Manclad in Singapore."
At the end of the last song, 'Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me', Morrissey went over to where Manclad was standing, but unfortunately Manclad had DROPPED the rose during the concert. If you watch the youtube footage for 'Last Night I Dreamt', you can see Morrissey go over to Manclad (3 mins 45 seconds in), LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIM, AND PUT HIS HAND OUT. When NO ROSE is forthcoming, Morrissey looks to the sky, mock horrified and then walks to the other end of the stage, before RETURNING to Manclad (4 mins 11 seconds), AND SHRUGGING HIS SHOULDERS, before walking off stage! See here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwJjeUMvbww&feature=relmfu
MORRISSEY WANTS ROSES: RED, WHITE, and especially BLUE.
The reason that the phenomenon has been labelled 'BLUE ROSE', is because blue roses, just like green carnations, are not natural flowers. Oscar Wilde's followers were known as 'Green Carnation', Morrissey's followers are 'BLUE ROSE'.
Blue roses have come to symbolise mystery and longing to obtain the impossible. Blue roses also represent unrequited love. MORRISSEY IS BLUE ROSE.
Followers of Morrissey should wear either a red, white, or blue rose to his concerts, and throw them to the stage. It has also been said, that the song 'TROUBLE LOVES ME' is the song of the BLUE ROSE SOCIETY, as it is an anagram 'LOVE MT BLUE ROSE'. 'Trouble Loves Me' has not been performed by Morrissey since 2006, is he waiting to be given a BLUE ROSE?
WEAR A ROSE WITH PRIDE AND THROW IT TO THE STAGE - IT IS WHAT MORRISSEY WANTS. SHOW MOZ YOU CARE.
'BLUE ROSE'El 22 de agosto de 2011, el MorrisseysWorld.blogspot.com sitio web, le preguntó para los aficionados que asisten a los conciertos de Morrissey en su gira por los EE.UU., a usar ya sea una sola rosa roja o una sola rosa blanca.El 1 de septiembre de 2011, esta solicitud fue reiterada el MorrisseysWolrd y se dijo que era en honor de Oscar Wilde, a causa de las rosas son un motivo recurrente en su obra. También se afirmó que Wilde vive en la actualidad en la Morrissey artista.El 16 de octubre de 2011, MorrisseysWorld dio instrucciones para que, "Cuando Morrissey abandona el escenario después de la final de la serie, que hará una pausa antes de salir para el encore. Durante este período, usted debe lanzar la rosa en el escenario."El 4 de noviembre de MorrisseysWorld, se explicó que el "secreto de Rose Society era un reflejo de Oscar Wilde 'Green Carnation", una sociedad secreta formada por Oscar Wilde por sus seguidores, que todos se llevan claveles verdes a sus actuaciones sin que nadie sepa por qué .El 14 de noviembre de 2011, gira de Morrissey de los EE.UU. y México se puso en marcha, con un concierto en San Antonio, Texas, y un pequeño número de la audiencia se informó de que las rosas gastadas, pero ninguno fue arrojado al escenario.Había diecisiete conciertos más tocadas en la gira por EE.UU. y México y en varios conciertos, algunos miembros de la audiencia llevaba rosas blancas o rojas, pero muy pocos fueron arrojados al escenario.Los seguidores de MorrisseysWorld se han comprometido a usar un rojo o rosa blanca a futuros conciertos y arrojarlos al escenario.Los seguidores de MorrisseysWorld han sido etiquetados como 'The Blue Rose Society' o 'Blue Rose' para el corto, como las rosas azules, al igual que los claveles verdes, no son flores naturales. Rosas azules han llegado a simbolizar el misterio y el deseo de obtener lo imposible. Rosas azules representan también el amor no correspondido.Algunos seguidores de MorrisseysWorld han dicho que si la canción 'Trouble Loves Me "se canta en un concierto, a continuación, las rosas azules será lanzado al escenario. 'Trouble Loves Me "es un anagrama de' El amor MT Blue Rose '.USE UN ROJO O BLANCO ROSA DE MORRISSEY, y echarlo a la etapa.
F*ck me, you'd think Chile was experiencing a presidential visit, what am I saying?, it's bigger than that, they're experiencing a Mozziah visit. Chilean TV & newspapers are full of The Mozziah's visit, it even made 'exclusive breaking news' on the wonderfully named 'Chilevision' tv station, and their camera's followed The Mozziah on a walkabout, which, instead of ending on Mount Olive, ended in a Pizza restaurant, where I believe, he ate 'no' olives, but instead settled on a cheese and tomato number. "Blessed are the cheese makers, for they shall inherit the earth" (no mention of the poor tomato pickers).
Of course, in the olden days, ie 'PT' - Pre Twitter, none of this news would have filtered back to these shores, and certainly not so quickly, but with twitter and Youtube, everything is now so instant, the world links up, which brings me on to my naivety of yesterday, in thinking that South Americans wouldn't be aware of MorrisseysWorld. Of course they are aware of it, and it isn't just '@rafasanhueza who has promised to throw a rose on Sunday, I yesterday asked another Chilean fan, '@FranciscaBabul', if she would be throwing either a red or white rose, and she replied, "Of course! I'll be in the first line!" I've suddenly got a feeling that 'Blue Rose' is going to take off, and when I say 'Blue Rose', that actually has nothing to do with the colour (color for you Yanks) of the rose, it is merely the name I have given to the secret MorrisseysWorld society, just like Oscar Wilde's 'Green Carnation'. Tomorrow I shall blog the entire history of 'Blue Rose'.
MorrisseysWorld remains open, and active, and yesterday, my own little blog was the subject of a fantastic parody piece. I am absolutely honoured (honored), and think this could only be trumped by either 'Trouble Loves Me' being played on the South American tour, or a dedication being given to the regulars of The Twitterdilly Arms. I showed my gratitude for the parody piece, by posting anonymously, calling myself "a sad case". I am parodying the parody, well at least I think I am, although to be honest, I think I probably 'am' a sad case, but what better way to spend your days being 'a sad case', than slumped in an armchair all day, reading and writing about The Mozziah, with the cricket on in the background while your whiskered wife bringing you cups of tea, whilst mumbling under her breath about you being a sad case? Oh the ironies, the ironies.
It has occurred to me, that with MorrisseysWorld staying both open and active, this could mean that full set lists will be posted on MW, therefore stopping the need to go to 'Morrissey So-Low' for our information. There is no reason for this not to happen, and if the likes of '@Rafa' & '@Francis' can be encouraged to post concert reviews on MW, then it really could start to replace So-Low. I, and many others, really don't want to have to go to So-Low to get concert news, it is the only reason I ever go there, so I just hope that MW will post set lists and news first.
Another article on MW yesterday, was about a 'Major TV Production Company Expressing An Interest In Purchasing The Rights to The MorrisseysWorld Sitcom.' Now, if that were to be true, it would be hilarious, although it may have a very limited audience, I somehow don't think I would be able to persuade Mrs Whiskers to watch it, well not unless Barry Manilow manages to get a part!
'@MW' appeared back on twitter yesterday, well after all, what else can one do to pass the time in Chile?, you can't spend all day, every day, just chomping pizzas. '@MW' spent time encouraging Chilean fans to throw their roses, and tomorrow, I will post them all the story of 'Blue Rose'. Also on twitter, we have lost '@JodyRoad', who's account has been closed. Was it Rusty Brind? Was it Troy from Chicago? Was it The Mozziah himself? We will probably never know. And as Jody disappears, '@dotdotdotpause' re-appears. The person that I previously nicknamed 'The Spirit of Nico' has returned to twitter and is now following a number of the Twit Arms regulars. Who is this mystery dotty person?
The funniest tweet of yesterday came from '@PapaSonsFilm', aka Marcus Markou, who when referring to the dreadful Brit Awards ceremony that was on TV yesterday, tweeted, "The Eurovision song contest has really upped its game this year. Great to see Corden replace Wogan." That Markou fella is a very funny man, and I am really looking forward to meeting him tomorrow, at the screening of his new film 'Papadopoulos & Sons', which I'm hoping, is going to be hilarious, I'm sure it will be.
And now for some parody:
(The scene is the indoor swimming pool of the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Santiago Chile. It is present day. The Mozziah is relaxing inside a specially erected, luxury gazebo & pagoda tent, which has a large flat screen tv, a bed, a table with fresh fruit and a personal man 'who does', standing outside the tent. The members of The Mozziah's band are wearing speedo trunks and are reclining on the uncomfortable plasticy sunlounger thingies, at the opposite end of the pool (apologies to the Ritz Carlton, I know you don't really have those, but it doesn't create the same picture if they are on your nice wooden ones!) Boz Boorer enters the luxury gazebo, he is wearing baggy surfer shorts.)
MOZ: Did you knock?
BOZ: Knock? It's canvas.
MOZ: Then ring a bell.
BOZ: I haven't got one.
MOZ: You're supposed to be my musical director, what sort of musical director doesn't have a bell?
BOZ: I've got a triangle.
MOZ: How very Mike Oldfield of you, well it'll have to do. Go on then, tinkle your triangle.
BOZ: I haven't got it with me, it's with all the other instruments, I just meant, I've got one.
MOZ: (licks upper lip) This is ridiculous, there'll be a fine attached to this Boz, I can't let the rest of the team see you so poorly prepared, it sends out the wrong message. Here, borrow my bell (picks up a small hand bell that is used for summoning the 'man who does' and passes it to Boz) Now go back outside & ring it. (Boz goes back out & rings the bell)
MOZ:(shouting to the 'man who does') Rafa, who's ringing for me?
RAFA(The man who does): Eet eez a well fed ingleesh man.
BOZ: Well fed? I'll feed you to the f*cking fishes in a minute, you cheeky c*nt.
MOZ: Boz, stop causing a scene and come in. (Boz re-enters the tent) And where are your speedos? Have you not read the manual I had specially prepared for you all? Page 16, paragraph four, "All band members will wear speedos when lounging by the pool, and may be required to wear them onstage, at the discretion of the artiste Morrissey". Well, never mind, I'll add it to the tour fines, your list is growing my the minute old son, and we've only been here a day. Anyway, thanks for popping over, I was hoping to talk to you last week, when you arrived back from Portugal or Austria, or wherever it was you went, but certain events took over and I just didn't have the time.
BOZ: I went to both actually Moz, it was Portugal first with The Raglans and then onto Austria where I filmed the video for my new single 'Slippery Forces'.
MOZ: Yes, yes, I know, I've seen the 'teaser'(does the inverted comma signs with his fingers) on Youtube. 283 hits in a week Boz, it's hardly up there with the millions who viewed 'my' Christmas TV advert you know?, having said that, my superb blog site, that incidentally has some of the best pieces of parody you are ever likely to read, anywhere in the world, ever, receives so few comments, it hardly feels worth the effort at times. Do you know Boz, I spend hour upon hour writing that stuff, and when I've read it through, and then re read it, and then re read it again, I click the old orange 'publish' button, and then sit back awaiting the accolades, and do they come? Do they 'eckers like. I get old rat face fawning all over me, the German bike woman moaning about it all getting a bit boring, the odd anonymous comment saying how wonderful it all is
BOZ: (interrupting) I thought you wrote those anonymous ones?
MOZ: (snarling)Not all of them, no! (continuing in previous mode) And then, however much I've checked and rechecked, there's still one of those cat women picking up on a grammatical mistake or a misspell. No mention of my comic genius, just that I've missed out an inverted comma or a semi colon, c*nts, I'd rather not know. If one doesn't know, it cannot hurt, but if somebody points out a mistake, it doesn't matter how good the piece is, it ruins it for me, absolutely ruins it Boz. Anyway, you've pulled me off topic again old son, what were we talking about? Oh yes, you on Youtube, wearing those ridiculous glasses. You don't wear glasses when you play with me Boz, so why on earth are you wearing them on Youtube? It's just as well you've had no viewers, you look like Harry f*cking Hill. If you're intention was to look more sophisticated, then you missed the mark old son, you look more 'Happy Hippo' than 'Happy Martyr', I hope you're not losing sight of your rockabilly roots me old mucker, it's all looking a bit Marks & Sparks to me, you're just one knitted jumper away from being the next 'man at C&A'. The next Polecats tour will need cutting edge, not cutting hedge, we can't let old age take over Boz, we have to fight it, tooth and nail, it'll be glasses today, pipe and slippers tomorrow, there's no falling into the comfy old armchair Boz, not in the rock n roll game. You won't see me wearing me bins in public, it's lenses all the way Boz, and would you ever see Iggy, stripped to the waist, all rock n roll skin and bone, with a pair of national healthies parked on the end of his beak?, no, of course not, it would ruin the whole look. It's all about style Boz, we're artists, we are human works of art. Look, you've distracted me yet again. I had a whole conversation like this with you on the plane coming over, and then I realised you weren't even on my flight, I'd been talking to myself, hallucinating, and I vaguely recollect dueting Dean Friedman's 'Lucky Stars' with a trolly dolly called Lydia, who apparently lives just outside Hemel Hemstead in a three bed, 1970's semi, with her husband Trevor. Where were you by the way, why weren't you on my flight?
BOZ: (looking slightly puzzled) You wouldn't let any of us fly with you, you said something about the Monarch never travelling with the heir, I don't think you've been very well Moz. By the way, did you listen to my 'Slippery Forces' song on the plane over?, I put it on your iphone for you.
MOZ: Is that what that sh...? Er, yes, yes, it sounds great Boz, really great, you've done well there old son, really captured a mood. And I didn't mention anything about the Monarch and heir, I was trying to find out if it would be cheaper flying 'Monarch Air', there is no heir to my throne Boz, when I check out, that'll be it for the old rock n roll game, unless of course young Bieber steps up to the plate, I've got high hopes for him, he understands not only the commercial side, but he gets the parody too, yes, there may still be hope yet for a successful heir to me crown Boz. Now, all this talk of your new solo career and a new Polecats tour, it leads me on to 'us' Boz. I'll be honest me old mucker,(gives Boz a friendly punch to the chest) the reason I've been encouraging you to explore new avenues is because it had always been my intention to re-unite The Smiths, do the Strangeways tour that we never did, but as time goes by, I'm finding that I just can't be bothered. Don't get me wrong, the money I could earn would make me a very rich man Boz, but I'd be forced to let the two lawnmower parts earn something from it, and frankly, that would break my heart, plus, I've got enough money, I can't spend the millions I've already made, let alone any more, it's like living a real life 'Brewsters Million's'.
BOZ: (interrupting) I'll have some if you don't want it.
MOZ: Don't be crass Boz, nobody ever enjoys having money given to them. Money is only enjoyable if you've earned it, but then of course, when you have earned it, you have this absolute fear of losing it. It only takes one bent judge or a leach of a drummer, and it can disappear overnight you know. It's a horrible feeling Boz, when you see your hard earned cash slipping through your fingers into the murky waters of the Thames.
BOZ: I think you've got real life mixed up with Oliver Twist Moz.
MOZ: We are all just one concert away from being a Fagin Boz. One minute, all's going swimmingly and everybody's dancing to your tune, and the next (snaps fingers) it's all gone.
BOZ: Are you sure you're feeling ok Moz, are you sure you're up for this tour?
MOZ: Never felt better old son, we have to make hay and all that, which is what I keep trying to talk to you about. Look, now that I've put this Smiths reunion thing to bed, me and you need to make plans. I know you've got your little projects, like you're Raglings and your Happy Monday
MOZ: (not listening) which is all well and good, but we need focus for 'Morrissey', and I don't mean me, Morrissey, I mean the band 'Morrissey'. This South American tour is costing me an absolute arm and a leg Boz, if I'm honest, it's virtually cleared me out, but I thought we were going out with a bang and I'd figured I'd recoup it all with The Smiths thing, but now that's not happening, we need to make cut backs Boz, you're gonna have to trim back the band if we're to do another UK tour, you do want to do another UK tour don't you Boz?
BOZ: Yes, but
MOZ: It's just gonna be me and you kid, and no more of the up tempo songs, just the slowies from here on in, we're no spring chickens Boz, we should be thinking about pipes and slippers, but the show must go on. No more stripping though, no more women's clothing, no more speedos, and no more stage invaders, it's time to wind down a bit, just you, me and a drum machine. Nice and relaxed.
BOZ: I thought you liked the stage invaders Moz?
MOZ: I don't know where that myth ever came from, I can't stand the greasy c*nts, yanking me this way and that, slobbering all over me, messing the old barnet, stealing my limelight, they're a danger to me Boz, why do you think I have such heavy handed security?
BOZ: You're always criticising the security.
MOZ: Only so the fans think I'm on their side Boz, it's all smoke and mirrors. I love those security guys, some of them are like best friends to me, especially on these foreign tours, when you lot all disappear out on the town without me.
BOZ: Sorry Moz, I didn't realise, I'll stop whacking them with my guitar, I honestly never knew.
MOZ: Oh don't worry about the whacking, they like a bit of roughty toughty, it's what they signed up for. I made really good friends with my personal security guy in Mexico you know, lovely fella he was, we spent hours and hours just chewing the fat. I can't remember his name mind, come to think of it, I don't think I asked it, I just called him 'Big Gun', cos he wore a Guns n Roses sweat shirt most of the time. Well, I say most of the time, I never saw him in anything else if I'm honest, and after a while, he started to whiff a bit, so I offered him one of those 'Years of Refusal' hoodies, we've still got boxes and boxes of them in your lock up you know, I knew I shouldn't have left you in charge of the ordering.
BOZ: You said hoodies were all the rage and all your fans would want one.
MOZ: Now now Boz, don't try and wriggle, we've been over this a million times, I was the one who said that no fan of mine would be seen dead in a hoodie, it was you and Jesse who convinced me otherwise, and look at the mess it left you in? Anyway, as I was saying, old 'Big Gun' seemed over the moon with his 'Refusal' hoodie, but then things got awkward when I asked him for the thirty bucks for it, the silly man had gotten it into his head, for some reason, that it was a gift.
BOZ: (wincing) He certainly didn't know you very well did he Moz?
MOZ: I'm not sure what you mean by that Boz, but the c*nt refused to pay and wouldn't take the hoodie off either. Stupid really, he'd obviously forgotten I paid his wages, so I just underpaid him by 100 dollars at the end of the tour. I've heard nothing more of it, so I guess I had the last laugh, but it left a sour taste Boz, we were genuine mates up until 'Hoodiegate'. Anyway, once again you've led me off track, I was talking about the future. The future is just 'you' and 'me', so I want you to go and tell the rest of the band that they won't be needed after this tour. Go gently Boz, they're not going to like it.
BOZ: They'll be gutted Moz, and what's more, even with just the slower numbers, we'll need a piano player and we can't use a drum machine, we'll look right twats.
MOZ:(licks top lip) Hmm, you may have a point there Boz, I'll tell you what, you tell them they're no longer required, but if they'd like to come and play with us still, on a voluntary basis you understand, then I'll let them. It's win win for everybody that way, because they get to remain playing with the best artiste in the world, and I get to save money on wages, PAYE, NIC, employer's liability insurance, hotel bills, food, travel etc etc etc. You've come up with a cracking idea there Boz old son, you'd better go and let them know, they'll be excited. (Boz heads towards the sunbeds at the other end of the pool) Oh and Boz, (Boz walks back to Moz) I want to bring 'Dear God' and a few of the other big string numbers back into the set, but we can't afford a big orchestra, that's far too expensive, so I've enrolled you and the others on a violin learning course. (hands Boz some leaflets entitled 'Learn the Violin in a Month') Don't worry about giving me the money for it now, I'll take it out of your wages, but the other four will have to pay cash up front, if you could let me have it by Friday, that would be great. (Boz starts to walk off slowly) Oh and Boz, you and your musicians haven't been selling fake t shirts again have you? I found one of my fans wearing this (holds up a Morrissey t shirt and reads the label) 'Bravado' number. This 'Bravado' company has nothing to do with you Boz, does it?
BOZ: (looking insulted) No Moz, that was all just a big misunderstanding last time, them t shirts I'd had made up were supposed to be for my fans, I don't know how your face got on 'em. This Bravado lot are nothing to do with me, honest.
MOZ: Hmm, it must be that c*nt Joyce again. Very well Boz, off you pop, I'll see you on stage Friday.