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Wednesday, 30 May 2012


In the absence of anything new from 'Our Mozzer', I have revisited one of my very favourite pieces from, the 'Minutes of the Bans and Concert Ejections Committee (BCE) when considering Mr David Tseng's appeal against lifetime Morrissey concert ban', which was published on Friday 26 August 2011. Reading this article has reiterated just how much I (and I'm sure many others) have forgotten over the past nine months. The 'Bans' article draws reference to the MorrisseysMum twitter account (I did keep telling you all it was HIM), the ROSES, and also explains the involvement of 'Walter Ego' (aka Banjaxer), who 'Our Mozzer' says, he 'pays', to place comments on So-low (I did keep saying he was an insider, and it makes my Skinny stitch-up theory very plausible!). I have decided to re-publish a few extracts from the original article, just to remind everybody of a few things concerning MW, but would encourage everybody to go and re-read the whole piece, as it is probably 'Our Mozzer's' finest hour.


MORRISSEY: What am I going to do with my blog?

MIKEY (BRACEWELL): You've had a few hits. A few thousand actually, Morrissey.

MORRISSEY: Oh that's just Walter Ego.

MIKEY: Walter Ego?

MORRISSEY: Yes, he's one of the so-low trolls. I pay him to write nonsense all over the so-low site and do the odd internet-based jobs for me, like repeatedly visiting my blog and posting links around the place.

MIKEY: You pay him?!

MORRISSEY: Nothing excessive. Just £50 a month.

MAM: It's not £50, Steven - it's £47. You reduced it when he fell into a diabetic coma in July and forgot to start a so-low forum thread about the blog. Poor lad. He was in intensive care for weeks...

MORRISSEY: Yes, my mistake, Mam. £47.

MIKEY: Aren't you worried he might go public and...well, it would be a little embarrassing, Morrissey. You know it might look crass if the wrong person got hold of this story...front page news, least in the NME...

MORRISSEY: Oh don't worry. I sent old Grant Showbiz over in January to compile a dossier on him. He's claiming disability and not declaring his earnings from me. I've got him over a highly polished French table...
MORRISSEY: No, the place is dead. If you exclude Walter Ego's visits and Boz Boorer's endless refreshing, it gets about fifteen hits a day. What can I do to get the traffic up? Literary icon, poet for a generation and famous singer...and I can't get any b*****d traffic on my blog for love nor money.

BOZ: Well ah was just thinking about this the other day and I thought, now Old Mozza's blog is basically a joke. Now how can we rectify the situation? Well, I thought, why doesn't Old Mozzer just steal Morrissey Solo's idea and just start posting all the news. That way you might get a few people over to the blog and they might accidentally read your prose and...well...grow to like it an' all.

MORRISSEY: It's brilliant. Boz. It's ruddy bloody brilliant. I could kiss you, and if it wasn't for the corned beef pasty smell, I probably would...

BOZ: Thanks Sir.

MIKEY: You've already tried claiming to be Morrissey, while writing in a dumbed-down parody of your own writing style. Why not do the opposite? Deny you're Morrissey but write in a much closer approximation of your own style, remembering to preserve the ironic flourishes and self-deprecating intellectual cul-de-sacs. You can occasionally contribute to the blog as a 'satire' of Morrissey when, in fact, you are Morrissey; meanwhile you'll need someone else to write the 'news' items.

MORRISSEY: I could perhaps change a few of the facts around in the essay, toss the odd spanner in the works for the observant and the pop minds to throw them off the scent, render the clues a little less 'in-your-face,' so to speak...mix up a few dates...Oh this is a wonderful scheme, one of your best Boz.

MIKEY: Just think of the hits you'll get when they realise it's you...but they can't prove it. In terms of Enigmatic Otherness Factor, this is off the scale...

BOZ: Yeah and also it'll wind up old Tseng. Just think of that goose going mad in his taking over his role, stealing his thunder.

MORRISSEY: It will be just like the time I posed as Paul Morley on the site in the naughty noughties, Boz...Now those were the days...Boz and I had a right old laugh over that little episode. We even posted some fake interviews and everything - trying to create the impression Old Cloth Ears Morley had a dedicated blog in honour of 'Ringleader.' Tseng wouldn't even link it on that dreary website/page of his...had he done so, tink of the free publicity in the English press - "fake Morrissey interviews, Morrissey to sue!" Now obviously we couldn't sue ourselves, much as I can't sue myself over this blog...but the mere threat of suing for libel...well the publicity would be worth thousands...We didn't quite get there in the end with the blog...Bloody Tseng wouldn't post it, went and ruined our harebrained scheme...realised it was a plot.

MIKEY: I'll design a poster to replace the 'Utter B******s I'd Cross the Road to Avoid' we're going all serious as a news site...

MORRISSEY: Oh but can't we keep that part? It's the only part I truly adore. The smirk on my face too in the picture atop the item - it's quite apt.

MIKEY: I don't think so. If we're to convince them all it's you pretending to be somebody else parodying you while at the same time denying you are pretending to be somebody else parodying you, then we need to put that stuff aside. At least for now, Morrissey...

MORRISSEY: Well keep it on the site, just move it down the page as an article instead. No, I insist. We must keep the 'utter b*****ds' bit. Without that item, the site for me is sadly lacking. Imagine Tseng's little face! And he can't sue me for stealing his news or wrecking his website because no b*gger can trace you on blogger!

MIKEY: Speaking of Mr Tseng, shouldn't we get back to the democratic discussions and consultation exercise regarding this letter of appeal he's written against his lifetime live concert ban? Time's running out before Corrie and I haven't even finished reading the opening paragraph of his appeal letter, which is twenty-four pages long...

MORRISSEY: Oh Mikey, I think that's quite enough democratic discussion for one afternoon. Ban the c**t.

MIKEY: But we haven't consulted your fanbase via the blog, Morrissey...What about the consultation execise? Your blog is quite clear about this...'There will be a consultation exercise...' Those are your words from your blog...

MORRISSEY: I've already asked Walter Ego - and he said "I agree wholeheartedly, sir" so the procedural side of things in terms of consulting my fanbase is all in hand.

MAM: One more thing your concerts...

MORRISSEY: Oh God, not that again, Mam. All I can remember from '84 and '85 is being repeatedly stabbed in the left contact lens with gladioli stalk...I'm surprised I didn't have a heart attack, what with the vagus nerve centres being behind the eye...can slow the old heart rate right down. It can be utterly lethal.

MAM: Steven, it's such a pretty thing...all those flowers...all boucing around in the crowd...

MORRISSEY: Can't I just wear a little freesia or something in my buttonhole? Or a flower head dangling symbolically from my waist?

MAM: Steven - for me? Just this once...

MORRISSEY: Oh go on then, mother. Don't say I don't do anything for you, either...

MAM: Roses, Steven. Make it roses. I do love seeing all those flowers in the mosh pit as I gaze down from the seats. Makes me cry. It reminds me of Wilde.


Friday, 18 May 2012


I have been writing this blog for the last eight months, and one of my regular readers is none other than Morrissey himself, he has 'even' occasionally left comments. Yesterday, I decided to try and interview him, so I posted twenty questions in the hope that he may respond....he did, and his responses can be found in the 'comments' section of yesterday's blog entry. Here is the interview WITH MORRISSEY in full:

TRB: You are currently in Hawaii, a) Is it how you imagined?, and b) were you influenced to go there because of the Elvis films, or was it 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall'?

Morrisseya) When I close my eyes I can't imagine anything except melody and hooks; and many would no doubt add that that's debatable. My poverty of imagination for all things material leaves me bowled over by each sojourn into far-flung places. As I grow older and absolute senility creeps ever closer, it feels more miraculous by the day that I exist at all; that places as mesmerising as Hawaii exist too is just... breathtaking. 

Satisfaction is enjoyment minus expectations. My expectations are now so low that even my life is capable of satisfying me.

b) It was Dr Jacoby and his Hawaiian wife. You should know that. 

TRB: You've been touring for a long time now, do you still feel the same desire to perform, or are the endless flights and hotels getting to you?

MorrisseyOnly seals... and 'yes.' 

TRB: You and the band certainly seem to be having fun on stage, can you explain 'why' Boz has adopted the dresses and 'why' do the band often go topless?

MorrisseyAs a band we feel it's very important to glamorise girls who wear 'Plus Size Clothing.' The media obsession with waifs is becoming oppressive: in 2012, anyone older than thirty-three or larger than Victoria Beckham around the waist has no right to be seen in public. The fact that Boz is currently sponsored by Evans Clothing and we as a band are sponsored by Caramac is neither here nor there.

TRB: It's been noted that during shows, as you sweat, a 'heart shape' appears on your back, how do you do that, does Boz spray deodorant over you beforehand?

MorrisseyI don't know where these rumours spring from. I shall have to start padlocking my dressing room door.

TRB: You actually change your shirt two or three times during each show, have you considered Boz having a mid show dress change, to add a bit of Je ne sais quoi to the performances?

MorrisseyThis is an excellent idea. Keep your eyes peeled.

TRB: It is your 53rd birthday next week, and you look in fantastic nick....for a man of your age. Are you comfortable with how you look, and would you ever consider a 'Rooneyesque weave' if your infamous quiff goes awol?

MorrisseyAs I approach my very late forties, I realise more with each passing day how very fortunate I was in my twenties and thirties. I didn't go bald, nor did I look like a forty-two year old foetus born in close proximity to the Sellafield reprocessing plant, wearing a fetching brown toupe. Sadly I do now, of course. But we can't have everything we crave. If we could, I would have ceased to exist over two decades ago.

TRB: And talking about birthdays, how did you celebrate (?) your 13th, 23rd, 33rd and 43rd birthdays, and how did you feel at each of those ages?

Morrissey13th - a large cake with 13 candles. Appalled.

23rd - a small cupcake with a solitary candle. Anguished.

33rd - a currant bun. Afflicted.

43rd - a slither of lemon Turkish Delight. Apathetic.

53rd - a gulp of San Diego air? Absent? 

TRB: Your setlists always include a number of Smiths songs, do you purposely look to include a certain number of them, or do you see all your songs as being from one big catalogue, and not give any thought as to who wrote the music?

MorrisseyIf we were face to face, I would probably roll my eyes and give the same answer I usually give at this juncture. As we are not, I shall simply say, 'no,' 'yes' and 'no.'

TRB: You have recently stated (yet again) that you dislike 'What Difference Does It Make', but for many of us, it is 'the' song that led us to you. Do you 'ever' think you will fall back in love with it? Is there any chance of us 'ever' seeing you perform it again?

Morrissey'What Difference Does It Make' is musically interesting but lyrically it is very... Simon Le Bon. I find the lyrics facile and mildly embarrassing. Otherwise it's a majestic pop melody by Johnny and, ironically, had the lyrics indeed been penned by Simon Le Bon, I would probably cover it! As it is I'd feel too ashamed. I might sing it during the pause in 'Speedway-'

TRB: In recent concerts, you have recited lines from two Don McLean songs during the pause in 'Speedway' and also lines from Houseman's 'The Welsh Marches', why these particular quotes?

MorrisseyI would like to say more but I can't and so I'll say less.

TRB: At this moment in time, and obviously it changes, what are your top 3 songs of all time and your top 3 Moz written songs?

MorrisseyAvoiding the first question entirely:
1 There is a light that never goes out
2 First of the gang to die
3 Everyday is like sunday

They will change tomorrow.

TRB: You are rarely asked about your record collection, and I'd LOVE to know, so please answer honestly, how many 7 inch singles are in your collection, how many albums, and how do you store them; alphabetically, by date, or another method?

MorrisseyI own literally thousands of records. Most of them are stored in large banana leaf coffins in the basement of a large house and are not touched from one decade to the next. They will be buried with me - or rather, I shall be buried with them.

TRB: As you always seem to be on the road, where do you call home these days, ie, where is the aforementioned record collection kept?

MorrisseyHome is a question mark.

TRB: Talking of records, are you any closer to a record deal, or are all talks dead?

MorrisseyThere will be an announcement of 'My World' quite soon.

TRB: We fans are desperate to buy the half dozen songs you've showcased, would you ever consider just releasing digitally, or signing to a small independent label?

MorrisseyAs I tweeted, finding one of my albums in the local newsagent taped on to the front of the Sunday Mail is probably my biggest nightmare. Releasing it electronically would be a close second. The third option is now my only hope. 

TRB: Have you written any new songs lately, and if yes, will you be playing them live?

MorrisseyBoredom is a plague, The tyranny of tedium, My world. Possibly. We hope to have a new song in the set by Manchester.

TRB: And what's happening with the autobiography?

MorrisseyComing to a pulping unit near you soon.

TRB: All seems to have gone quiet on the NME court case, is it still going ahead, and if so, when?


TRB: Why have you decided to just play one UK show this year, and can we expect anything special in Manchester?

MorrisseyWe had a debate about one off concerts in two countries. The first is scheduled and the second will probably happen in the near future.

TRB: I'm not going to ask you about MorrisseysWorld, because I don't need to, but anybody can see that you have accepted just two flowers on stage in the last year, and both were roses, do you have a particular love for roses?

MorrisseyI love flowers and Oscar Wilde dearly adored roses. This is enough.

TRB: Thank you for answering my questions, can I have an exclusive? Nobody will believe this interview is real, so you're quite safe.

MorrisseyThank you for asking your questions. Nobody will believe it's real, and indeed it isn't real. And neither am I.

FOOT NOTES: Morrissey's mention of 'Dr Jacoby and his Hawaiian wife' in question one, is a reference to one of his favourite television shows, 'Twin Peaks'. In relation to question five, it should be noted that Boz Boorer has NEVER had a costume change mid show, and if it now occurs as a result of this interview, I reserve the right to claim a fee from 'Our Mozzer' for some sort of 'artistic introduction'. Morrissey's response to question nine means I will now be listening to the 'pause' in 'Speedway' with renewed excitement, although I won't hold my breath! Is Morrissey's response to question fourteen an 'exclusive' that his next album will be called 'My World'? We will have to wait and see. The reply to question sixteen suggests a 'new song' will be added to the set in Manchester, which is very exciting. It should be noted that Morrissey's 'non response' to question eighteen about the court case, was followed by a statement just a few hours later on his 'official' website '' which said the court case 'IS' going ahead, and is scheduled to start on July 16. Morrissey's answer to question nineteen, about 'one off concerts', is a reference to a debate held on his 'unofficial' website '' on February 17th, entitled, 'Debate: Should Morrissey play one-off concerts in France or England? Or anywhere else?' The 'official' statement regarding the 'one off' concert in Manchester appeared on TTY on April 8th! Could it be that a 'one off' concert in France will be announced soon?

Morrissey CLEARLY would like roses to be taken to his concerts, and has previously asked for; red, white or blue ones to be thrown onto the stage.

I am claiming NO COPYRIGHT on this interview, and give my full permission for anybody to reproduce either part, or all of the interview, as long as they give a credit to TRB and mention ' as it's original source.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Following the Mozziah Day 234 Saturday May 5th 2012 MOZ & BOZ IN SEOUL

(The scene is the Presidential Suite of the Ritz Carlton Hotel in Seoul, South Korea. It is 2pm, present day. Morrissey and his musical director, Martin 'Boz' Boorer, are both dressed in 1970's style 'Winceyette pyjamas', and are sat upright in the king size bed, in a scene reminiscent of a 'Morecambe and Wise' show. Morrissey is 'even' wearing Eric Morecambe style glasses, and has his quiff in a heated clamp. Boz is wearing his 'Olive from On the Buses' glasses. Morrissey is watching a music video on his laptop with earphones in, whilst Boz is reading a month old copy of 'Autotrader'.)

MOZ: (starts smiling to himself and then laughs out loud) Ha ha

BOZ: What is it?

MOZ: (presses the pause button on his lap top and shuts the screen so that Boz can't see it) Never you mind Boz, never you mind. (Pauses for a minute and looks around the room) Boz, did you know, that this 'Presidential' suite has been named the "World's finest suite" by 'Gold Key Award'? Not just Korea's finest, the 'WORLD'S' finest" Boz, and look who's staying in it, little old me (picks up a glass of bubbly that is next to the bed and raises it), not bad for a 'has been' pop idol eh Boz? Not bad at all.

BOZ: It's certainly a nice room Moz.

MOZ: NICE? Oh come on Boz, I thought we'd managed to enhance your vocabulary of late?, what about "clandestine" my old son?, that was a splendid word.

BOZ: Is this a clandestine room?

MOZ: No Boz, this is NOT a clandestine room, I was referring to the excellent use of the word in your recent Top One thousand single, 'Slippers and Farces'. I presume you do KNOW what clandestine means?

BOZ: (puffing up his chest) Of course I do, it means something's all, er, secretive and stuff.

MOZ: Well expressed old son, well expressed.

BOZ: It's like your blog thing  innit? I remember months ago hearing you call Morrissey's world 'clandestine', and at the time I didn't have a Scobby Doo as to what you were on about, so I looked it up. I  liked the word so much I put it into 'Slippery Forces'.

MOZ: And talking of which, I think you'll find that my re-dredged version of Suedehead has pummelled 'Slippers and Farces' in the sales department, so I'm afraid, Bozzerooney me old mucker, that it's yet 'another' forfeit for you, and in fact (picks up a little black book from the side table and starts to flick through), ah yes, he we are, that makes it NINE nil to me with our little bets. (smiles at Boz) Now, let's see, what shall I have you dress up in this time?(momentarily pauses as if thinking) I'm still saving 'Log Lady' for a rainy day, so (another slight pause), I think we'll have (suddenly leaps from the bed and slides open the large wardrobe door, which reveals a selection of dresses, for the slightly larger lady) 'THIS' one (selects a sparkly silver dress and holds it up to show Boz) .

BOZ: Are you 'sure' Suedehead outsold Forces?, I've not seen any official figures yet, although I DO know that I had reached over a thousand sales after a couple of days.

MOZ: (lays the dress on the bed and goes over to the 'presidential' writing desk where he opens his tartan man bag and takes out two pieces of paper) Of course I'm sure Boz, I DON'T make mistakes do I? (starts to read the first piece of paper to himself) Ah, here we are Boz, (reads aloud) "the total number of vinyl sales for Suedehead, for the two week period starting April 21st and ending May 5th, one thousand exactly" (stops reading and looks at Boz), and may I add, only one thousand were actually released, (reading again) "and the total number of vinyl sales for Slippers and Farces, for the two week and ONE day period starting April 20th and ending May 5th, NIL. It's all there in black and white me old fruit (hands Boz the piece of paper), and I even gave you a day's head start with your release.

BOZ: Hold on, this is written in your handwriting, and anyway, I didn't 'release' a vinyl record, my sales were all downloads, what about those?

MOZ:  It's all written here (handing Boz the other piece of paper) on our 'Bet Number Ten of The World Tour 2011/12 Contract', item four, subsection three, where I think you'll find it says 'record' sales. 'Records' Boz, NOT downloads, 'records'. It's not my fault that you've decided to abandon your roots in search of keeping up with the Joneses, as I said Boz, that makes it nine nil. (walks back to the bed and re-opens his laptop) Now, you're going to like this Boz. The little guffaw I gave out a minute ago was in relation to this video (turns the laptop to face Boz and presses play), and more to the point, a highly amusing thought that subsequently rushed to my brain.

BOZ: (watching the music video) Who are they?

MOZ: 'THEY' me old mustard pot, are a four piece, all girl group from Seoul, called 'Sistar', who just so happen to be number one in the South Korean hit parade. They're HUGE Boz, not as in 'large' huge mind you, no, they're all stick insects of course, but they're massive out here. The song you are currently listening to is called 'Alone'. (leans across and presses the pause button ) Now, do you recognise the silver dress that the girl is wearing? (grabs the silver dress from the foot of the bed and holds it up) Ta-dah! It's YOU Boz, it's YOU, or rather, YOU are going to be 'her'. We just need a slightly longer wig than the one you've been wearing, but that's not a problem, and NOW for the best bit, guess what the girl's name is, go on, guess?

BOZ: I can't remember the last time I saw you this excited Moz, you've almost got a glow about you. I don't know, Brenda? Pam? Cynthia? I've no idea, go on, I can see that you're dying to tell me.

MOZ: Bora! The number one group in South Korea has a female singer called Bora! I'm in fucking heaven Boz. (stands up and starts bouncing on the bed) Come on Boz, come and have a bounce with me. (Moz grabs Boz's hand and drags him to his feet, where Boz then (reluctantly at first), joins in with bouncing on the bed).

BOZ: (whilst bouncing) The dress needs a bit of adjustment, the hem needs to come up a bit.

MOZ: Come on (leaps off the bed), get the dress on and I'll pin it for you.

(Boz puts the dress on and stands on the bed whilst Moz starts to pin it)

MOZ: (through gritted teeth because he has a pin in his mouth) Keep still you big lummox.

BOZ: (looking towards the full length mirror) You don't think this dress is too 'showy' do you?

MOZ: No, I love it, it's my new favourite. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE you in the blue number, but this silver one is just so daring. You're like Diana Dors herself.

BOZ: You don't think I look like a lump of meat wrapped in tin foil, or Deirdre Barlow at a wedding do?

MOZ: Boz, listen to me, have I EVER let you make a fool of yourself? You look perfect, just perfect (takes the pin from his mouth and puts it in the dress). There, that's the pinning done, if you take it off, we can get it over to Jesse's hotel and he can sew it for you. By the way, are the band okay with their accommodation, I hope it's not too big or anything? I wouldn't want them feeling 'lost'.

BOZ: LOST? No, I'm sure that the three star 'Dirty Duck' is just fine. The four of them are sharing the family room, and although Matt's on the floor, I've not seen any tweets from him moaning, so he must be happy.

MOZ: Yes, I see he's back on twitter, I thought I made it clear to your lot that none of them were to use any form of social media without the written consent of yours truly?

BOZ: I'll have a word with him, but I don't think you can stop them.

MOZ: (smirks) No Boz, but I CAN fire them, I've got previous you know?


MOZ: Anyway, much as though I've loved having you over for this little chat, it's time for you to head back to the Dirty Duck too, I presume you've got a separate room to the others eh?

BOZ: Yes, it's nothing flash, but it gives me a bit of privacy.

MOZ: Only the best for you Boz, only the best. AND you can keep the pyjamas, I hope you didn't mind putting them on while you were here, I just thought it would be fun to be Eric and Ern for an hour.

BOZ: Thanks Moz. (starts to head to the door) Right, I'll see you tomorrow for the show. Moz?

MOZ: Yes Boz?

BOZ: Can I ask you something?

MOZ: No! Now see you tomorrow.