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Thursday, 26 February 2015

Day 1261 - It's Elektrafying

Broken made a brief return to The Arms at the beginning of the week, but apart from that, all remains quiet in MorrisseysWorld. Here are his highlights:

"Sadness is what happens when you aim for happiness."

"Life is not about being happy: it's about being right."

"Genius is a genetic disease causing loneliness, despair and suicide."

"In order to create beauty, one must first destroy one's intelligence and preconceptions."

"Is there anyone who wouldn't like to touch Justin?"

"Morrissey is the one true reason why you might as well stay in bed."

"If you're left-handed, you will die 15 years earlier, you will be persecuted at school, and your ilk were victims of persecution. hash tag minority"

"Yet there is no movement for the left-handed."

"What's the meaning of the sagging pants?"


BIEBER - A SAGGING PANTED LEFT HANDER


Meanwhile, in Morrissey's world, there have been some very exciting rumblings regarding a possible new record deal. Jeff Castelaz, the president of Elektra records, has posted on twitter saying, "Coffee + Tea + ZdlR + Moz = a great afternoon yesterday". He added a photo of Moz with the ZdlR character, who is apparently Zac de la Rocha of Rage Against The Machine.
Could Moz be about to sign to Jobriath's old label? Please let it be true.




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MOZ AND ZdlR




In other Moz news, M posted a twitter picture on TTY, which would tend to suggest to any reasonable person that Morrissey goes on twitter; although the likes of Rosy Mires would prefer to believe that Morrissey has never even heard of twitter! Morrissey was also photographed this week with a woman called Poppie who was wearing a dress covered in blue roses.... a GENUINE coincidence!







Morrissey has also announced a four date headline at Sydney Opera House.

That's all folks.... and only 10 more days to go until the concerts start.

*Goes off singing* I got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losing control, 'cause the label you're presiding (over), it's elektrafying. You better shape up, cos I'm not a man, and my heart is set on yooou (or at least your record label), You better shape up etc etc

Friday, 20 February 2015

Day 1254 - Buffy in the bag

It has once again been a very quiet week in The Twitterdilly Arms. None of the old regulars such as EARS, Heather, JG etc seem to frequent any more, but I guess that's because MorrisseysWorld is, to all intents and purposes, dead.... and yet a slight pulse can still be heard, lightly beating somewhere.

There were a couple of brief visits to The Arms from Broken during the week, but he didn't stay long, and offered very little other than the usual Bieber lusting. The fraudulent Alf's Button also made a couple of visits, but I stopped writing about Alf after Astra's comment last October:

Alf's Button was one of the buttons on one of the valet's uniforms at the Dorchester.

You have to learn to never let a button fuck with you.

Or a valet, for that matter.

It's just always a pity to see everyone so easily taken in. Incredible in fact.

Have none of you any sense of reality? This is becoming tedious now.

It was of course Astra who introduced Alf's Button to the masses, but it was obviously just a cruel trick..... although that mention of the Savages allegedly turning down Morrissey's offer of supporting him will always play on my mind.


JEHN BETH - LEAD SINGER OF SAVAGES RELAXING IN NEW YORK JAN 2015


Back in the real world of Morrissey, Buffy Sainte-Marie has been confirmed as the support act for five of the UK concerts, but unfortunately not the one that I will be attending. With the exception of He's a Keeper of the Fire, I have not really been aware of Buffy's songs, and until I looked her up this week in Mozipedia, I had no idea that a number of Buffy's song titles had been inspirations for Morrissey song titles; such as the superb Suffer The Little Children and Better To Find Out For Yourself, whilst You're Gonna Need Somebody On Your Bond is very obviously where You're Gonna Need Someone On Your Side comes from. Morrissey must be absolutely thrilled to have bagged Buffy.













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The only other things to mention are: A) Morrissey was this week seen at a Billy Idol concert in LA, B) the next round of concerts start in just 17 days and C) a new anti-fur video has also been posted on TTY; which is so stomach turningly graphic, that if it is used as concert footage, could see the arenas knee deep in vomit! There is NO D).
I once again find myself wondering why I am still here. It is time to close down my Twatter account again, and I shall only return to blogging and tweeting if Our Mozzer returns.
Goodnight.


Sunday, 15 February 2015

Day 1249 - Run To My Loving Arms - MorrisseysWorld Returns

The Mozziah made a Valentine's Day return to The Twitterdilly Arms yesterday, using Broken's twatter account to post tweets, and he was on TOP form.



HEARTS

ROSES

CHOCOLATE

The tweeting started at around 9pm (UK time), with Broken asking, "Will Morr-ee-say return?"
He followed this up with a few Bieber related tweets, before then adding the following:

"I don't think I have any followers left. I prefer it this way." (Ed - current number of followers is 105)

"Working class have sex in bed and eat in the kitchen. Middle class have sex in the kitchen and eat in bed. Upper class do both together."

"Justin Bieber is the cutest heavily tattooed sociopath."

"The final thing one does before death is start to live."

"Why do we leave it until the very end to see that life is too important to have a job?"

"My wit is Wildean, my plaintive manner Morrisseyean, my loathsome quality entirely my own."

"I would sugar-coat my life, but you'd only get diabetes."

"Love is the final step in growing up. It helps you to realise your life has intrinsic meaning. It follows therefore that you become nothing."

"People didn't realise I was profound. They thought I was a pseudo profound c*** with a personality disorder and a Bieber fetish."

"Poetry teaches you who you are. Literature teaches you why you are. Pop music teaches you to zig-a-zig-ahh."

"I wonder when pop music will be resuscitated? Is there a doctor in the house?"


SIR LANCELOTT SPRATT - THE SAVIOUR OF POPULAR MUSIC?

"Cowell didn't kill pop music, he simply sneered at the funeral."

"Holly and Fastidious Phil are about as fascinating in the mornings as lithium and thorazine. More specifically, Phil Schofield prevents one feeling happy or sad (lithium), while Holly prevents thought per se (thorazine)"

"I suppose none of you realised I was actually witty."

" Did I speak too soon? Shall I return to Bieberdom?"

"Without Twitter, I don't actually exist at all."

"If I win the lottery, I shall cancel my life and take up golf."

"The peculiar thing about America is that it talks only about freedom and does everything it can possibly do to extinguish freedom."

"Just as Dubya stole elections and lectured the world on d'mocracy."

"People say America is too right wing. But which other nation would elect a guy with special needs and a drinking problem as President?"



"Did I just call someone a 'guy?' Perhaps I misunderestimated myself." (Ed - Screams of "Morrissey would NEVER" are heard from all around the indie pop world)

In response to a Bieber fan tweeting about seeing JB's Calvin Klein advert during the showing of Fifty Shades of Grey:
"I suppose that's the good thing about fifty shades. Even JB's CK advert seems sexy by comparison. The most sterile film in Hollywood history interrupted by an advert so irritating it can only destroy CK."

"Justin Bieber's CK advert proves that all publicity is good publicity - unless it features Justin Bieber."

"Did I ever warn you I'm a terrible bore?"

In response to Britney Spears posting a picture of herself:

"Christ, I've never seen you without makeup, Justin."









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BIEBER - MAKEUP FREE

"Ignorance is the one necessary virtue of civilised society: the less one knows, the more contently one pays one's taxes, smiles, and sleeps."

"I'm always alone on February 14th. Nobody has ever sent me a Valentine's Card without irony."

"Wilde told us the US was the first country to go from barbarism to decadence without first passing through the stage of civilisation."

"I would go further: Jerry Springer is the new Tom Paine, Lil Wayne the new Thomas Jefferson, and George W Bush the new Washngton."

"When George Bush told us he was 'a thinker' in his government, everybody wailed hysterically, apart from George. Even Laura didn't buy that."

"Pop music teaches one that life is meaningless, the future is bleak and there is no God. Justin Bieber forgot to mention that."

In response to the self centred, egotistical, one time film maker Marcus the Greek's tweet saying, "You are on fire tonight; funny, thought provoking, at ease... what's wrong?":

"Masturbation cessation therapy has its advantages. I broke both my hands in an accident with a vice. I stopped looking at Justin Bieber and began to think instead."

"@PapaSonsFilm You didn't ever realise I was actually MW, OM, and everyone else. I pretended to be a one dimensional twerp, for camp. It was an experiment. Just like life is."

"Yes, I am @Menippus too."


MARCUS THE FISH - FAILED TO REALISE

"There are three types of human being: the type that can add up, and the type that can't."

"I personally am in favour of multidimensional scales. The old 'zero' doesn't quite convey the intellectual squalor of some art."

"I find churning out witticisms on Twitter to be easier than passing stool."

"Wit erodes the heart and multiplies understanding."

"Hell: ending my days in an EMI care home with Vera Lynn and Tina Turner on the stereo, with a carer who dedicatedly looks after my health."

MORRISSEY IS HELPED DOWN THE STAIRS OF THE BELVEDERE CARE HOME IN ALDERLEY EDGE BY HIS DEDICATED CARER, ALAIN WHYTE, AND THEY HEAD TO THE COMMUNAL LOUNGE TO LISTEN TO TINA TURNER'S PRIVATE DANCER LP


I then asked Broken/Our Mozzer to describe heaven:

"Heaven is an EMI care home with T Rex and Morrissey solo on the stereo, no psychotropics and gin with meal."

In response to me asking if Tina Turner is still going:

"Even a Duracell would be tired by now."

"Sadness chases me like rush hour traffic."

"If you purchase an i-Phone, you are going to hell."

"If you're sad and confused and don't know where to turn, have a haircut."

"The older one gets the better one's clothes begin to look."


MORRISSEY BACKSTAGE WITH BUFFY SAINTE-MARIE


This morning I have awoken to find that the Broken twitter account has once again closed. Whilst it was open yesterday, I managed to have a quick scroll through, and realised that he had actually made appearances in The Arms on January 2nd. Here are the highlights:

"Love is that bridge between self-loathing and hatred of another."

"Satisfaction is the reason the divorce rate is so high."

"To know oneself is to hate oneself. To hate oneself is to accept one's self. To accept oneself is to learn to truly live."

And on that subject, isn't it about time Accept Yourself made it into the set? The lyrics are as/more meaningful today than 30+ years ago.



*Goes off singing* Anything is hard to find when you will not open your eyes.


Saturday, 14 February 2015

Day 1248 - The Finger of Suspicion

I have received my first email from Morrissey in eight months; although it is hardly anything to get excited about, as it was both extremely brief, and not exactly enquiring after my wellbeing! Basically, Morrissey wanted to know if it was me behind the dreadfully dull Following The Piss Stains blog that has recently appeared on the scene.
I replied to Morrissey's email explaining that it most certainly was not me behind that semi-illiterate blog, but I can't help but feel slight amusement at The Mozziah thinking it was me, especially as I have spent the past three years having most of Mozzer's fans thinking I was behind his MorrisseysWorld blog; which incidentally was a great compliment to me, as opposed to the major insult of Moz thinking that I am behind FTP. It's a funny old world.... although in the case of Following The Piss Stains, not that funny!

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THE FINGER OF SUSPICION

Yesterday I reported that the dying embers of MorrisseysWorld had been fanned by the appearance of Astra on the second rate Following the Piss Stains thingy. My reporting brought Astra back to the comments section of FTM, where she rightfully belongs:

I see everyone's still after my sway.

Very good to see you back, Rat. As for everything else,.... well.
At least Mercury retrograde's finally over today.
A parody blog of the parody blog following the original parody blog could have been interesting. I keep my hopes high, just like all my hems.

If anyone wants to talk about Buffy or Biebs, I'm under the umbrella.

It doesn't look like Astra plans to return to The Twitterdilly Arms anytime soon though, as she added:


"I would open a new account, it's just that... oh, I remember now. I can't really stand Twatter! If Chezza or Justin ever bothered to tweet me back, it might be a different story.

I feel like sometimes neither of them take my fan-ship seriously."




And on the subject of Biebs, he has posted a picture of himself on twitter wearing a NYPD uniform. Poor JB, he's obviously trying to be like Elvis, but he manages to make himself look like a school kid on a visit to the local station. I'm sure Broken would appreciate Biebs in a uniform though!:


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Astra also added this regarding Cheryl Cole (or whatever her name is this year):

"Cheryl Cole is so intelligent she could have been anything. Neurosurgeons of the World Unite and Take Over.

Neurosurgeons of the World Unite and Take Over plus Chezza, Chezza's mum flashing her knickerless crotch out of taxis, and Chezza's third husband. It still has a little je ne sais quoi, non?

We hope she stops before she hits husband number 5, as that's where she believes the double digits begin.

A breath of fresh air if I ever saw one. Thank God she has such spectacular songs to get by on instead. The neurosurgeons may never even know what they're missing.

Chezza-4-Eva"


JOAN CALLAGHAN AKA 'CHEZZA'S MUM' IN HER INFAMOUS KNICKERLESS TAXI POSE 


Our covered wagon rumbles on.

Thursday, 12 February 2015

Day 1246 - A mouth full of smart, a heart full of tart, and a fistful of liquid hope

I am not supposed to be here anymore; I had happily walked away when the phenomenal MorrisseysWorld story came to an end on the 15th of January, when Poetic Luke announced it was all over....... but for some unbeknown reason, even though I hadn't written anything at all for two weeks and had no intention of ever blogging again, one of the Solowers has poked me with a stick by starting a poorly written blog called FollowingThePessoas, in which I am accused of bullying those who followed the MorrisseysWorld story.

I would have completely ignored this new two bit blog; after all, MW is dead and I therefore have no interest whatsoever in the humourless musings of somebody who missed the whole journey, but rather bizarrely, this dreary blogger has managed to grab the attention of Astra - who I have always believed to be one of Morrissey's pessoas - and I am therefore contractually obligated to report everything Astra writes..... so once again, here I am, Following the Mozziah!

Yesterday's ghastly offering from the author (he signs himself as Ronnie S) of FTP, was just a nonsense list of everyone who had so far left comment on his poor excuse of a blog; which rather disappointingly included Astra, Jaz and GWO, all of whom praised the blogger for his efforts *raises eyes to the heavens in despair*. This non event of a blog entry then drew even more praising comments, this time from Kerry 'No Action in Gothenburg' Richards, Hoarsely 'No Action in Gothenburg from me either' Cry, and most disappointingly of all; and yet it's the reason I am here writing this today, ASTRA! Here is her comment:

META, BABY. Just keep it coming!

I have a mouth full of smart, a heart full of tart, and a fistful of liquid hope.

And a little bit of magic to meet my SWAY, because when I walk into the room, I'll be bringing two limes with me in one of my pockets, and Shangri-La with me in the other.

A beautifully, beautifully parodied pas de deux.

From the chaise,

Where my highbrow always finds my lowbrow, and where to hell with all the consequences will be the only star that paves the way

Keep it coming

Astra
P.S. Mothercunting Twatter isn't letting me sign in to my fucking mothercunting Twatter account. So what the MOTHERCUNTING FUCK. 

If anyone would like to resolve this issue for me, please feel free.



I have no idea why Astra is engaging with this dreadful Solower called Ronnie S, and I also have no idea why Ronnie S has started writing this hideous looking blog when he supposedly thinks I made-up the whole MorrisseysWorld thing in the first place! If he really believes that I made it up, and therefore by definition thinks I am Astra, then why is he now getting so excited at Astra's appearance? You couldn't make this up!

I have nothing more to add regarding MorrisseysWorld, and if it all goes quiet again, I shall happily just fade away. Meanwhile, the BlueRoseSociety website has taken a new tack, and is just stating the FACTS regarding the roses, as opposed to anything to do with MorrisseysWorld. Is there still a chance that one day Morrissey's concert halls will be full of roses?



While I am here, I may as well report on other events in the world of Morrissey. Firstly, the other day, Morrissey posted a couple of photos on TTY, and he added that one of the photos was taken by his bass player, Mando Lopez. I have interpreted this to mean that Mando remains 'on board', and we will therefore not be seeing Solomon Walker return when the UK tour starts next month.

Secondly, Buffy Sainte-Marie has posted the following on the inter web:
"Surprise visit last night from Morrissey, one of UK and Europe's most beloved artists. Scrambling dates to see IF we can accept his invitation to be part of his arena tour in March - hope hope."
Now that would be incredible!



Morrissey has also taken to TTY to attack the BRIT awards, and included a quote from "writer Michael Bracewell". What a shame he didn't refer to Bracewell as either 'Mikey', or 'the former novelist'.... but then again, why would he, as it was the author of MorrisseysWorld who referred to Bracewell using these terms, and NOT Morrissey!

*Goes off singing* He can play it like a rainbow, baby, He can play it like a clown, He can play it like a river, baby, And he can follow you down.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Day 1244 - Still Dead

I have weaned myself away from the Twitterdilly Arms, so have no idea if I have missed anything relating to MorrisseysWorld, but no one has posted anything on FTM mentioning Our Mozzer, so I'm pretty confident that MorrisseysWorld remains dead, and therefore FTM remains dead too.

The only reason I have taken to my keyboard today, is to make mention of a new blog called FollowingThePessoas.blogspot.com, which is a send up of FTM.  I am flattered to be parodied, but unfortunately it just isn't very amusing..... or perhaps I have just lost my sense of humour! I don't suppose my friend taking his own life last Friday has helped on the old humour front, although it does seem to have turned it blacker and sicker than ever, which can't be a bad thing.

One person who does seem to appreciate the new Pessoa blog is Astraea, who has re-appeared from nowhere to post the following comment on it:

Why good evening, good taste!

Let's welcome one and let's welcome all. Very nice digs. I think I'll make myself at home.

Of course, I would never dream of taking advantage of OM's good nature. In fact, I would never dream of taking advantage of OM at all. Where OM's golden parody shines, my golden parody light can only follow. Think of my bright parody star, shining in the dark, like a parody beacon.

On second thought, scratch that. Think of me instead as the airplane emergency lighting on the floor, by the sides of the aisles. Gently twinkling. But with fantastic legs.

As time waits for no one, let's just get right down to the dirty. Right now.

Does Gwyneth Paltrow's newfound enthusiasm for waxing poetic about the acute cerebral ecstasy that can be attained through her newest hobby that she's just taken up, vaginal steaming, mean that:

1. The aromatherapy oils in their steam distilled state have gone straight to her, err, head?
2. Her sense of irony is greater than it was before she started blogging about the thralls of vaginal steaming?
3. Her sense of irony is less than it was before she started steaming her nethers?
4. The only thing she knows about Irony is that it's the name of David Beckham's new cologne, soon available for your refined and discerning pleasure at all good precinct Poundlands everywhere. Oh, it's not the name of his new cologne? But it could be.

All answers on postcards please, before the end of the week. If they're delivered to the side of my sun lounger, I'll be checking the ground around me, on or around about Friday morning. It is true however that I don't always like to have to keep track of what day it is, so we'll see how this one goes.

In February repose,

And usually methodically mesmerizing, all the way to my magma core


Morrissey remains in LA, where he has been seen out and about at various locations, including a Patti Smith concert and a Buffy Sainte-Marie concert, where he was photographed with both Buffy and Jackson Browne.
Buffy Sainte-Marie and Morrissey
Jackson Browne and Morrissey
Before I took my leave from The Arms, I did notice that Broken had made a brief appearance, on Wednesday January 28, to state, "blue boots 4 ever", but I have no idea what this is a reference to, and if I'm honest, I no longer care.

As to why some poor sod has decided to parody me at this late stage, I really don't know, but he(?)'s missed the boat, MW died some time ago, and is still dead!

Over and out again.

Rat

Ps Please DO NOT leave any sympathetic comments, that would be too unbearable. Thank you and goodnight.

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